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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Report: 79% Of Sincere Thoughts Played Off As Jokes

NEW HAVEN, CT—According to a groundbreaking new report from researchers at Yale University’s Center for Cultural Sociology, a full 79 percent of all sincere thoughts expressed in conversation are played off as jokes before they register their intended effect. “Our research shows conclusively that whenever an individual attempts to express a compliment, concern, or other personal opinion, they will, in nearly four-fifths of cases, quickly neutralize this sentiment through the use of sarcasm or another rhetorical device intended to convey a lack of seriousness,” said Yale sociologist and lead author of the study Laura Briscoe, citing multiple case studies in which a subject began to tell a friend how much their friendship meant to him or her, before abruptly diverting the conversation into an extended comic routine on how they should get married and open a bed and breakfast. “In fact, in the rare event that an individual successfully communicates a candid idea or belief—for example, a woman telling her husband she wants a baby, without then remarking that they could sell it on the black market—the vast majority of listeners are so conditioned to everything they hear being passed off as jokes that they assume the other person is joking, thus disarming the sentiment. All told, the proportion of genuine, heartfelt words that actually reach the intended party is about 1 percent.” Briscoe hurriedly added that her research was actually pretty stupid, and that she only became the head of Yale’s sociology department “to get at that sweet behaviorism money.”

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