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Report: 80% Of Subway Track Repairmen Run Over Each Day

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Report: 80% Of Subway Track Repairmen Run Over Each Day

WASHINGTON—According to a study released Monday by the American Public Transportation Association, four out of every five subway track repairmen are run over by trains during the course of a normal workday. “So far this year, over 12,000 subway maintenance workers have been run over throughout the United States, with the average subway train hitting one worker an hour,” said APTA representative David Ross, who noted that most incidents were attributable to repairmen’s negligence, inability to find protective cutouts in tunnel walls in time, or tendency to become transfixed by an oncoming train’s lights. “Whenever passengers feel a bump or a screech, that’s a repairman getting run over. And at any given time, three to five workers are typically caught in each subway car’s underside and are being dragged around from stop to stop.” The report confirmed that every delay on a subway line is due to the train’s path being obstructed by a pile of repairmen corpses.

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