adBlockCheck

Report: 84% Of Americans Currently Contestants

Top Headlines

Entertainment

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Report: 84% Of Americans Currently Contestants

WASHINGTON—According to a report issued by the U.S. Department of Prizes Monday, 84 percent of Americans are, at any given moment, participants in a contest, giveaway, or game. "Not only are 20 percent of citizens participating in reality shows, but nearly triple that number are eligible for cash prizes simply by purchasing a lottery ticket, opening a bottle of soda, shopping in a supermarket, or by tuning in to WJYY's Ticket Tuesday every Tuesday between noon and 2 p.m.," the report read in part. "Perhaps more alarming, millions of Americans are currently being mailed literature explaining how they may have already won and not even know it." The report went on to point out that results are not valid in Alaska and Hawaii.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close