ARIES: You’ll be punished for playing God this week, which isn’t surprising, considering the Cockney accent, exaggerated limp, and thick head of curly blond hair you gave Him.
WASHINGTON—According to a report issued by the U.S. Department of Prizes Monday, 84 percent of Americans are, at any given moment, participants in a contest, giveaway, or game. "Not only are 20 percent of citizens participating in reality shows, but nearly triple that number are eligible for cash prizes simply by purchasing a lottery ticket, opening a bottle of soda, shopping in a supermarket, or by tuning in to WJYY's Ticket Tuesday every Tuesday between noon and 2 p.m.," the report read in part. "Perhaps more alarming, millions of Americans are currently being mailed literature explaining how they may have already won and not even know it." The report went on to point out that results are not valid in Alaska and Hawaii.