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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Report: 87% Of Americans Unaware They Have Been Chosen In Later Rounds Of MLB Draft

IOWA CITY, IA—According to a report released Wednesday by the University of Iowa, 87 percent of Americans are currently unaware that they have been selected in the later rounds of the 2015 Major League Baseball Draft. “Our survey indicates that over 270 million Americans are totally oblivious to the fact that they’ve been picked between the 20th and 40th rounds of this year’s MLB Draft and are now eligible to negotiate minor-league contracts,” said study author Angelo Crawford, explaining that over four-fifths of the U.S. populace, many of whom never played baseball past Little League, have no idea that their names were recently displayed on the MLB.com live draft tracker as their selections were analyzed by numerous baseball writers and sports bloggers. “For example, several hundred thousand Americans are now part of the Baltimore Orioles organization and have been assigned to the Single-A Delmarva Shorebirds over in Maryland—they just don’t know it.” At press time, over 7 million Americans were ignoring a phone call from an unknown number belonging to Oakland Athletics general manager Billy Beane.


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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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