Report: 89% Of Americans Just Want To Go Home Right Now

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Vol 49 Issue 25

The Onion Will Be Euthanizing People For Free This Sunday

Summer is in full effect! And as the nation gears up for three months of beach excursions, poolside barbecues, and lazy afternoons, The Onion would like to remind its readers that this Sunday we are offering free euthanizations to everyone and anyo...

The Onion’s Tips For Securing The U.S.–Mexico Border

Destroy America’s financial, manufacturing, and healthcare sectors, limiting the amount of reasons to ever come in Place one traffic cone right in front of the existing border fence Impeach President Barack Obama On the Mexico side of the border, h...

All-Female Jury To Try George Zimmerman

A jury consisting of six women will determine whether George Zimmerman was acting lawfully under Florida’s Stand Your Ground law when he shot and killed unarmed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin in his gated community in February 2012.

Greatest Coaching Accomplishments In Sports History

With Erik Spoelstra leading the Miami Heat to a second straight NBA championship, Onion Sports examines the most astounding coaching accomplishments in the history of athletic competition. 1955: New York Giants defensive coordinator Tom Lan...
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  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Report: 89% Of Americans Just Want To Go Home Right Now

WASHINGTON—According to a report published Friday afternoon by the Pew Research Center, 89 percent of the American workforce currently wants nothing more than to just head home right this very moment. “Our data indicate that the only thought occupying their minds is getting the hell out of whatever project they’re working on as soon as possible and going straight home to their own couches in their own living rooms,” said lead researcher Julia Geier, noting that 42 percent of respondents said they want to be home fucking pronto, 33 percent said if this day doesn’t end soon they are literally going to bang their head against their keyboard for the next five minutes, and 21 percent reportedly just sighed, rubbed their face, and muttered, “Come on, I just want to go home.” “While I, for one, am disseminating this study’s findings and responding to media inquiries right now, the only thing I can actually think about is walking into my home, closing the door behind me, and then just lying down. That’s it—that’s all I want.” The report went on to confirm that once Americans finally return home, approximately 94 percent of them will immediately begin wishing they were anywhere else.

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