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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Report: 89% Of Americans Just Want To Go Home Right Now

WASHINGTON—According to a report published Friday afternoon by the Pew Research Center, 89 percent of the American workforce currently wants nothing more than to just head home right this very moment. “Our data indicate that the only thought occupying their minds is getting the hell out of whatever project they’re working on as soon as possible and going straight home to their own couches in their own living rooms,” said lead researcher Julia Geier, noting that 42 percent of respondents said they want to be home fucking pronto, 33 percent said if this day doesn’t end soon they are literally going to bang their head against their keyboard for the next five minutes, and 21 percent reportedly just sighed, rubbed their face, and muttered, “Come on, I just want to go home.” “While I, for one, am disseminating this study’s findings and responding to media inquiries right now, the only thing I can actually think about is walking into my home, closing the door behind me, and then just lying down. That’s it—that’s all I want.” The report went on to confirm that once Americans finally return home, approximately 94 percent of them will immediately begin wishing they were anywhere else.

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