Report: 89% Of Americans Just Want To Go Home Right Now

Top Headlines

Recent News

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Report: 89% Of Americans Just Want To Go Home Right Now

WASHINGTON—According to a report published Friday afternoon by the Pew Research Center, 89 percent of the American workforce currently wants nothing more than to just head home right this very moment. “Our data indicate that the only thought occupying their minds is getting the hell out of whatever project they’re working on as soon as possible and going straight home to their own couches in their own living rooms,” said lead researcher Julia Geier, noting that 42 percent of respondents said they want to be home fucking pronto, 33 percent said if this day doesn’t end soon they are literally going to bang their head against their keyboard for the next five minutes, and 21 percent reportedly just sighed, rubbed their face, and muttered, “Come on, I just want to go home.” “While I, for one, am disseminating this study’s findings and responding to media inquiries right now, the only thing I can actually think about is walking into my home, closing the door behind me, and then just lying down. That’s it—that’s all I want.” The report went on to confirm that once Americans finally return home, approximately 94 percent of them will immediately begin wishing they were anywhere else.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close