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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Report: 89% Of Suzy Qs Never Make It Out Of Gas Station Parking Lots

WASHINGTON—According to a Commerce Department report released Friday, nearly nine out of every 10 Hostess Suzy Qs—the crème-filled devil's food snack cakes—are consumed within 30 feet of the gas stations where they are purchased. "While 64 percent are eaten on the way back to the car, a full quarter of all Suzy Qs are eaten in the gas station itself," the report read in part, noting that many of the cakes are ingested in the checkout line before they are even paid for. "The only time any part of the average Suzy Q exits the parking lot is when cake residue is still present on a wrapper that has been tossed on the backseat of a car." Commerce Secretary Gary Locke later told reporters that he foresees similar results for upcoming studies on Ring Dings, Zingers, and "those fruit pie things that come in the wax-paper wrappers."

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