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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Report: 89% Of Suzy Qs Never Make It Out Of Gas Station Parking Lots

WASHINGTON—According to a Commerce Department report released Friday, nearly nine out of every 10 Hostess Suzy Qs—the crème-filled devil's food snack cakes—are consumed within 30 feet of the gas stations where they are purchased. "While 64 percent are eaten on the way back to the car, a full quarter of all Suzy Qs are eaten in the gas station itself," the report read in part, noting that many of the cakes are ingested in the checkout line before they are even paid for. "The only time any part of the average Suzy Q exits the parking lot is when cake residue is still present on a wrapper that has been tossed on the backseat of a car." Commerce Secretary Gary Locke later told reporters that he foresees similar results for upcoming studies on Ring Dings, Zingers, and "those fruit pie things that come in the wax-paper wrappers."

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