adBlockCheck

Report: 89% Of Suzy Qs Never Make It Out Of Gas Station Parking Lots

Top Headlines

Science & Technology

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.

How Dating Sites Match Their Users

With millions of people opting to use online dating sites to meet new potential romantic partners, many are wondering how computer algorithms can enhance their chances of finding “the one.” Here are the steps that dating sites take to match compatible users

How To File A Patent

In the United States, anyone who believes they have invented something truly unique is welcome to fill out a patent application to protect it, but it’s often a complicated and laborious process. Here are the steps involved in securing a patent

EPA Urges Nation To Develop New Air Source

WASHINGTON—Citing the hazardous levels of carbon dioxide and other pollutants accumulating in the atmosphere, officials from the Environmental Protection Agency urged the nation this week to develop a new air source.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Satisfaction

Report: 89% Of Suzy Qs Never Make It Out Of Gas Station Parking Lots

WASHINGTON—According to a Commerce Department report released Friday, nearly nine out of every 10 Hostess Suzy Qs—the crème-filled devil's food snack cakes—are consumed within 30 feet of the gas stations where they are purchased. "While 64 percent are eaten on the way back to the car, a full quarter of all Suzy Qs are eaten in the gas station itself," the report read in part, noting that many of the cakes are ingested in the checkout line before they are even paid for. "The only time any part of the average Suzy Q exits the parking lot is when cake residue is still present on a wrapper that has been tossed on the backseat of a car." Commerce Secretary Gary Locke later told reporters that he foresees similar results for upcoming studies on Ring Dings, Zingers, and "those fruit pie things that come in the wax-paper wrappers."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close