Report: 89 Percent Of Citizens Still Believe In The American Dream Car

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Vol 35 Issue 25

Lookalike Couple Vaguely Disquieting

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Friends and family of Russell Tonelli are expressing a "creepy sort of unease" at the distinct visual similarities between the 33-year-old Grand Rapids file clerk and his new girlfriend, Elizabeth Brecht, sources reported Tuesday. "It's really weird how similar they look," said co-worker Isaac Richards. "Elizabeth even cut off her long hair last week, making it even worse. That's just plain disturbing."

God Provides Gift To Women In Form Of Marketing Analyst Bradley Ennis

ARLINGTON, TX—Women everywhere have been blessed from on high with the existence of Bradley Ennis, it was reported Monday. "God, in His infinite wisdom and love for all the women of the world, has sent me to Earth, that I may rock the worlds of all the bee-you-tiful la-dies," the single, 27-year-old sales consultant said. Though not confirmed, it is believed that no woman has yet accepted the Divine gift of Ennis of Arlington.

Twelve More Pie-Fucking Movies In The Works

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Responding to the box-office success of American Pie, Hollywood studios are prepping at least a dozen films revolving around coupling with pies, Daily Variety reported Monday. "The American people have voted with their dollars, and we must heed the call," said Paramount executive Hollis James. "Look for the outrageous Boston Cream in Summer 2001, featuring Denis Leary as a screwball waiter with a most unusual 'taste' in sex." In addition to Cream, United Artists is in preproduction on the coming-of-age pie-fucking film I'll Take The Cherry, 20th Century Fox is negotiating with David Arquette to star in Master Baker as "a pastry chef with a secret ingredient you won't believe," and Jeff Daniels has signed with New Line to play a televangelist dethroned by a pie-fucking scandal in Jizzes H. Crust! New Line is also interviewing directors for Nobody Does It Like Sara Lee, in which Steve Guttenberg performs cunnilingus on a raspberry torte.

'You Got It™' Trademarked

NEW YORK—Another conversational phrase was removed from the public domain Monday, when Tricon Global Restaurants announced that it has trademarked "You Got It™." The popular catchphrase, which will be used in an upcoming ad campaign for Tricon subsidiary Pizza Hut, joins such trademarked slogans as General Motors' "Let's Go™," ABC's "Watch It!™" and Morton's "Please Pass The Salt." "We are pleased to have acquired the exclusive legal rights to 'You Got It™,'" said Tricon marketing director Jack Prysock. "With more than 20 different delicious toppings and eight different hot and fresh pan-style pizzas, Pizza Hut is truly the place where you, the customer, have 'got it™'." Individuals found employing the phrase 'You Got It™,' except for those receiving express written consent from Tricon Global Restaurants and intending to use the phrase to make specific, one-time reference to the high quality of food and service at Pizza Hut, will be subject to fines and/or imprisonment.

I Am Lost In My Mansion

I was awakened suddenly this morning by the terrible sound of metal grating upon metal. When I opened my eyes, I was treated to the nightmarish countenance of Nurse Pin-head, who, brandishing a steam-fitter's wrench, was busy unbolting the great collar which holds me fast to my iron-lung.

eBay? hOoray!

Boy, if you'd told me I'd be getting a Mrs. Beasley doll in the mail this year, I would have called you crazy. But it happened to me just yesterday! And here's how!
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Report: 89 Percent Of Citizens Still Believe In The American Dream Car

PRINCETON, NJ—In poll findings which contradict the notion that traditional American values are dwindling, the Gallup Organization announced Monday that 89 percent of citizens still believe in the possibility of achieving the American dream car within their lifetime.

"Contrary to popular belief, optimism is alive and well in 1999," Gallup spokesman David Feuerstein said. "Our nation has been through some tough times recently, but it's still a country where Mr. and Mrs. Main Street know that with hard work, faith in God and a little luck, they can make their dream car come true."

According to the poll, belief in the American dream car cuts across all demographic boundaries, with Americans of every income level, color and creed expressing "high to very high" faith that they can make the car a reality.

"From the poor inner-city youth who dreams of one day owning a fly hoopty with tinted windows, a rear spoiler and booming bass in the trunk, to the wealthy scion of a Texas oil baron who dreams of a fully loaded Italian sportscar upon his graduation from boarding school, people across this great land still have faith," Feuerstein said. "Now, that poor kid in South Central L.A. may not get all the breaks. He may not ever get an education. He may not ever be rich. And he certainly won't ever be president. But none of these things will keep him from realizing his dream car."

Experts say belief in the dream car is a positive sign at a time when most citizens are working longer hours for less money than ever. Longer workdays, combined with the rising cost of living, have caused most Americans to abandon the aspirations held by previous generations.

The American dream car.

"For most Americans, a $400,000 dream home in the suburbs is out of reach. So is a $70,000-a-year dream job," said Dr. William Oberst, professor of American Studies at Georgetown University. "But a $30,000 dream car, well, that's at least somewhat more realistic."

Continued Oberst: "As the nation has grown, the dream car has grown with it, from Henry Ford's little Model A to the classic mid-sized '57 Chevy to today's 7,000-pound GM Suburban. And as America moves into the future, it is with the strong faith that, at least in terms of our automobiles, anything is possible. Our dream cars will only get bigger."

"Some cynics would say that America is no longer the land of opportunity, that we've been stripped of our aspirations," said author and historian John Ambrose. "Well, look into the eyes of someone walking through a BMW showroom, and you'll know that's not true."

According to the poll, the American way of coveting luxury automobiles is unlikely to change anytime soon: Faith in the American dream car, the poll found, runs strongest among America's young people.

"I'm getting a black Toyota 4-Runner as soon as I get out of high school," said Hector Ordonez, 16, a junior at Kingswood High School in Salinas, CA. "And if I can make my dream car come true sooner by dropping out halfway through senior year and working at Burger King, that's what I'll do. Whatever it takes, it's worth it."

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