adBlockCheck

Report: 9 Out Of 10 Americans Can't Eat Another Bite

Top Headlines

Recent News

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Report: 9 Out Of 10 Americans Can't Eat Another Bite

COLLEGE PARK, MD—A newly released University of Maryland study indicates that 90 percent of Americans are absolutely stuffed and unable to eat another bite.

One of the estimated 140 million Americans who probably could have done without that last powdered donut.

The poll, an exhaustive survey of current U.S. digestive status, further indicated that 84 percent of Americans can't believe how much they just ate, and that 71 percent do not even have room for dessert.

1998 U.S. Digestive Report

Even among the 10 percent who said they planned to eat just a little bit more, an overwhelming majority described themselves as "not at all hungry."

"That lasagna was huge," said study participant Gene Iavarone of White Plains, NY. "Whew."

Iavarone's comments placed him among the 35 million citizens falling somewhere between "I really shouldn't" and "Maybe just one more bread roll."

The stomach-patting national satiety marks a striking change from just 20 years ago, when nearly 50 percent of Americans were "ready for some pie."

Today, just 6 percent of Americans describe themselves as having consumed "just about the right amount," down 65 percent from 1975.

"America is full," said Alex Gunther-Boyd, a University of Maryland professor and study head. "We as a people have eaten plenty."

Gunther-Boyd said that if America continues to eat at its current rate, the national belt will need to be loosened at least three notches by the end of the year. The top button of America's pants, he noted, will also likely require unbuttoning.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close