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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Report: 9 Out Of 10 Americans Can't Eat Another Bite

COLLEGE PARK, MD—A newly released University of Maryland study indicates that 90 percent of Americans are absolutely stuffed and unable to eat another bite.

One of the estimated 140 million Americans who probably could have done without that last powdered donut.

The poll, an exhaustive survey of current U.S. digestive status, further indicated that 84 percent of Americans can't believe how much they just ate, and that 71 percent do not even have room for dessert.

1998 U.S. Digestive Report

Even among the 10 percent who said they planned to eat just a little bit more, an overwhelming majority described themselves as "not at all hungry."

"That lasagna was huge," said study participant Gene Iavarone of White Plains, NY. "Whew."

Iavarone's comments placed him among the 35 million citizens falling somewhere between "I really shouldn't" and "Maybe just one more bread roll."

The stomach-patting national satiety marks a striking change from just 20 years ago, when nearly 50 percent of Americans were "ready for some pie."

Today, just 6 percent of Americans describe themselves as having consumed "just about the right amount," down 65 percent from 1975.

"America is full," said Alex Gunther-Boyd, a University of Maryland professor and study head. "We as a people have eaten plenty."

Gunther-Boyd said that if America continues to eat at its current rate, the national belt will need to be loosened at least three notches by the end of the year. The top button of America's pants, he noted, will also likely require unbuttoning.

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