Report: 9 Out Of 10 Americans Can't Eat Another Bite

Top Headlines

Recent News

New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Report: 9 Out Of 10 Americans Can't Eat Another Bite

COLLEGE PARK, MD—A newly released University of Maryland study indicates that 90 percent of Americans are absolutely stuffed and unable to eat another bite.

One of the estimated 140 million Americans who probably could have done without that last powdered donut.

The poll, an exhaustive survey of current U.S. digestive status, further indicated that 84 percent of Americans can't believe how much they just ate, and that 71 percent do not even have room for dessert.

1998 U.S. Digestive Report

Even among the 10 percent who said they planned to eat just a little bit more, an overwhelming majority described themselves as "not at all hungry."

"That lasagna was huge," said study participant Gene Iavarone of White Plains, NY. "Whew."

Iavarone's comments placed him among the 35 million citizens falling somewhere between "I really shouldn't" and "Maybe just one more bread roll."

The stomach-patting national satiety marks a striking change from just 20 years ago, when nearly 50 percent of Americans were "ready for some pie."

Today, just 6 percent of Americans describe themselves as having consumed "just about the right amount," down 65 percent from 1975.

"America is full," said Alex Gunther-Boyd, a University of Maryland professor and study head. "We as a people have eaten plenty."

Gunther-Boyd said that if America continues to eat at its current rate, the national belt will need to be loosened at least three notches by the end of the year. The top button of America's pants, he noted, will also likely require unbuttoning.

Next Story