adBlockCheck

Report: 9 Out Of 10 Americans Can't Eat Another Bite

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Report: 9 Out Of 10 Americans Can't Eat Another Bite

COLLEGE PARK, MD—A newly released University of Maryland study indicates that 90 percent of Americans are absolutely stuffed and unable to eat another bite.

One of the estimated 140 million Americans who probably could have done without that last powdered donut.

The poll, an exhaustive survey of current U.S. digestive status, further indicated that 84 percent of Americans can't believe how much they just ate, and that 71 percent do not even have room for dessert.

1998 U.S. Digestive Report

Even among the 10 percent who said they planned to eat just a little bit more, an overwhelming majority described themselves as "not at all hungry."

"That lasagna was huge," said study participant Gene Iavarone of White Plains, NY. "Whew."

Iavarone's comments placed him among the 35 million citizens falling somewhere between "I really shouldn't" and "Maybe just one more bread roll."

The stomach-patting national satiety marks a striking change from just 20 years ago, when nearly 50 percent of Americans were "ready for some pie."

Today, just 6 percent of Americans describe themselves as having consumed "just about the right amount," down 65 percent from 1975.

"America is full," said Alex Gunther-Boyd, a University of Maryland professor and study head. "We as a people have eaten plenty."

Gunther-Boyd said that if America continues to eat at its current rate, the national belt will need to be loosened at least three notches by the end of the year. The top button of America's pants, he noted, will also likely require unbuttoning.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close