Report: 9/11 Commission Could Have Been Prevented

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Vol 40 Issue 24

New Alternative-Fuel SUV Will Deplete World's Hydrogen By 2070

DETROIT—Ford announced a Sept. 3 rollout date for its new Ford Foresight, a hydrogen-powered SUV that, if it reaches sales projections, will deplete the earth's supply of hydrogen by 2070. "America has asked for a car that does not use fossil fuels, and we've delivered," Ford CEO William Ford Jr. said Monday. "With an engine nearly 20 times as powerful as that of our gas-burning SUV, the 11-ton Foresight will be unaffected by the price-gouging whims of OPEC, as it uses water electrolysis to gather fuel from the oceans and the fresh mountain air." Ford acknowledged that, when hydrogen supplies are depleted, the usefulness of the Foresight, as well as life on earth as we know it, will end.

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MIDLAND, TX—No one in Jacob Grant's life has noticed his minor attempts to become a "more thoughtful and considerate person," the new-and-improved man reported Monday. "I'm just asking for a little recognition," said Grant, who in the past week purchased a pack of cigarettes for a friend, complimented his girlfriend's new haircut, and allowed his brother to eat the last samosa. "After all, it's not like I particularly enjoy holding elevator doors open." Despite the lack of positive feedback, Grant said he plans to give his new plan at least another day or two.

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LUBBOCK, TX—Will Reiser, an expert in the field of unsubstantiated creatures, was duped again Tuesday, when he said he'd finally found proof of the existence of the elusive Chupacabra, a quill-covered creature that feasts on the blood of livestock. "The right shank of the goat carcass I discovered on my doorstep bore the Chupacabra's distinctive cross-hatched fang pattern," Reiser said. "I have to say I'm surprised that the quills poking out of the body so closely resemble those of the hedgehog indigenous to this area." Reiser's next-door neighbor, Dan Swelter, is currently laughing his ass off.

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Thank you for seeing us on such short notice, sir. Please take a seat. Coffee? Brandy? My humidor is open to you, if you wish. I apologize for taking you away from your family with so little warning, but events have overtaken us—events which, as you'll soon see, involve our entire organization. Sir, what I am about to tell you is known by only 11 people in the Western world—the seven of us in this room, the Acting Director, and the three pertinent members of the Staff Council. Though I know you to be circumspect and discreet, I'm afraid this is no ordinary intelligence briefing. The issue at hand is beyond the scope of even our long-term Global Strategy 7. If you'd like to sit down, we'll begin.

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Report: 9/11 Commission Could Have Been Prevented

WASHINGTON, DC—According to key members of the Bush Administration, the tragic proceedings of the 9/11 commission, which devastated the political lives of numerous government officials, could have been averted with preventive action in 2002 and 2003.

Members of the 9/11 commission that destroyed countless political careers.

"A few adept legislative maneuvers could have saved the reputations of hundreds," President Bush's counterterrorism chief Fran Townsend told reporters Monday. "Had we foreseen the dangers of the commission's deceptively simple requests, we could have spared dozens of victims from the shocking, public mangling of their careers."

"It's tragic," Townsend added. "All those political futures snuffed out as millions of Americans watched on television. And to think there was a remote chance that they could've gotten our president."

Although there were only 10 commission members, they worked with shocking efficiency, and served to carry out the decisions made with the help of a much larger network of government employees.

"The frighteningly resolute faces of commission chair Thomas H. Kean and vice-chair Lee H. Hamilton are familiar after several weeks of frenzied media coverage, but the commission's roots run deeper," Townsend said. "The thing that keeps me awake at night is the number of advisors who are still out there today, secretly evaluating our policies. We have no way of knowing who might be called forth by a panel in the future."

"You see the vast scope of the problem," Townsend added. "We're fighting a whole new type of enemy—one that hides among its victims."

National security advisor Condoleezza Rice said that her office did not receive any intelligence regarding the commission's scope until it was already in place, and therefore was unable to implement a strategy to thwart its efforts.

Sen. Joe Lieberman (D-CT) agreed.

"Nobody saw this coming," Lieberman said. "With 20/20 hindsight, of course, we know that if [House Speaker Dennis] Hastert hadn't let Public Law 107-306 come to the floor in November of 2002, we could have saved many of our colleagues from their sad fates."

Tenet, whose agency was ripped apart by the 9/11 commission.

But Lieberman said that government officials should not look to place blame in the wake of the panel.

"Yes, if various departments had communicated certain intelligence, many of our colleagues would not have found themselves trapped under mounds of paperwork," Lieberman said. "But, as tempting as it is to point fingers, we need to move forward and look at how we can prevent another 9/11 commission from happening."

George Tenet, who recently resigned as director of the CIA, was among the high-profile casualties of the commission's investigation of key government agencies. According to Alan Fenton, Tenet's public-relations-crisis manager, Washington "seriously underestimated" the commission's power.

"Everybody thought, 'Ten guys, sitting together in some room somewhere, armed with only the power of subpoena—who could they hurt?'" Fenton said. "No one guessed that a commission this small could inflict so much political damage."

Defense lawyer Mark Agara, who has provided legal counsel for many of the commission's victims, blamed party insiders' short-sightedness on what he termed a "pre-9/11-commission mindset."

"A panel criticizing the actions that the administration took in response to the most devastating terrorist attack in history?" Agara asked. "People never considered the possibility. But now, here we stand—whole departments ripped apart, agencies in ruin, and, worst of all, the job security that government employees once took for granted gone forever."

Capitol Hill, ground zero for the investigation, is still reeling in the wake of the 9/11 commission. Americans from across the country continue to offer prayers and assemble candlelight vigils outside federal buildings that contain the offices of the fallen-in-stature.

"Think not only of these poor politicians, but of their families and their staffs," said Gerald Davis, spokesman for Stop The Panels, a group of advocates for the unseen victims of investigations. "Anyone who works for an important Washington politician has been touched by this tragedy."

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