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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Report: 92% Of Divorced Parents Get Back Together If Children Ask Enough Times

EVANSTON, IL—In a groundbreaking study experts say could help repair millions of broken families, researchers from the Family Institute at Northwestern University have found that 92 percent of divorced parents will get back together if their children ask enough times. “People tend to assume that couples who’ve been divorced for many years are unlikely to reunite with each other, but research shows that 9 times out of 10, parents will get back together and stay together if their children ask or beg them to do so for a certain period of time,” lead author Dr. Hannah Morris wrote in the study, noting that even if parents have remarried other people, relocated to different areas of the country, and had babies with their new partners, they will nearly always return to their old lives and be a contented couple again if children repeatedly express a strong desire for them to do so. “For example, one 7-year-old subject remained quiet and withdrawn for years after his parents’ divorce, only rarely mentioning his ardent wish for them to rekindle their love. But after telling his mom and dad about seven or eight times how much he wanted them to be a family again, the parents decided to give their relationship another try and got remarried within a year. And they are all very happy now.” Researchers added that an astonishing 98 percent of divorced parents will remarry if their children make a secret, special wish when blowing out their birthday candles.

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