adBlockCheck

Recent News

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Report: 92% Of Divorced Parents Get Back Together If Children Ask Enough Times

EVANSTON, IL—In a groundbreaking study experts say could help repair millions of broken families, researchers from the Family Institute at Northwestern University have found that 92 percent of divorced parents will get back together if their children ask enough times. “People tend to assume that couples who’ve been divorced for many years are unlikely to reunite with each other, but research shows that 9 times out of 10, parents will get back together and stay together if their children ask or beg them to do so for a certain period of time,” lead author Dr. Hannah Morris wrote in the study, noting that even if parents have remarried other people, relocated to different areas of the country, and had babies with their new partners, they will nearly always return to their old lives and be a contented couple again if children repeatedly express a strong desire for them to do so. “For example, one 7-year-old subject remained quiet and withdrawn for years after his parents’ divorce, only rarely mentioning his ardent wish for them to rekindle their love. But after telling his mom and dad about seven or eight times how much he wanted them to be a family again, the parents decided to give their relationship another try and got remarried within a year. And they are all very happy now.” Researchers added that an astonishing 98 percent of divorced parents will remarry if their children make a secret, special wish when blowing out their birthday candles.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close