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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Report: 93% Of Drunk Drivers Get Home Just Fine

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the National Institutes of Health, 93 percent of those who get behind the wheel while intoxicated arrive at their homes safe and sound, just like they told everybody they would. "Most of these people are barely even buzzed, and 87 percent of the time they're driving primarily on back roads for distances of like, eight miles, tops," said the study's lead author, Dr. Henry Tillman, adding that the vast majority of inebriated drivers stuck with only beer all night, so they were totally fine. "Roughly 64 percent of drunk drivers have cousins who are cops anyway, so it's really no big deal." The study concluded that a mere one in 15 drunk drivers end up dying in a cascading torrent of fire, so, you know, odds.

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