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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.
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Report: 93% Of Drunk Drivers Get Home Just Fine

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the National Institutes of Health, 93 percent of those who get behind the wheel while intoxicated arrive at their homes safe and sound, just like they told everybody they would. "Most of these people are barely even buzzed, and 87 percent of the time they're driving primarily on back roads for distances of like, eight miles, tops," said the study's lead author, Dr. Henry Tillman, adding that the vast majority of inebriated drivers stuck with only beer all night, so they were totally fine. "Roughly 64 percent of drunk drivers have cousins who are cops anyway, so it's really no big deal." The study concluded that a mere one in 15 drunk drivers end up dying in a cascading torrent of fire, so, you know, odds.

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