adBlockCheck

Recent News

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Report: 93% Of Drunk Drivers Get Home Just Fine

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the National Institutes of Health, 93 percent of those who get behind the wheel while intoxicated arrive at their homes safe and sound, just like they told everybody they would. "Most of these people are barely even buzzed, and 87 percent of the time they're driving primarily on back roads for distances of like, eight miles, tops," said the study's lead author, Dr. Henry Tillman, adding that the vast majority of inebriated drivers stuck with only beer all night, so they were totally fine. "Roughly 64 percent of drunk drivers have cousins who are cops anyway, so it's really no big deal." The study concluded that a mere one in 15 drunk drivers end up dying in a cascading torrent of fire, so, you know, odds.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close