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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Report: 96% Of Nation's Smut Consumed By Filthiest 1%

VAN NUYS, CA—A study released this week by the San Fernando Valley Institute for Adults-Only Research indicates that a staggering 96 percent of U.S. pornography is consumed by the filthiest 1 percent of the population. “Of all the pornography watched everywhere in the world, the vast majority is consumed by this elite group of ‘super-perverts,’” the study read in part. “The most disturbing aspect of these findings is that everybody in the top 1 percent thinks that everyone else is looking at porn too, and that this is somehow ‘normal,’ but in fact the individuals who think this are small in number and simply the nastiest, dirtiest masturbating freaks out there.” The report concluded that the filthiest 1 percent should feel deep shame for being such incredibly disgusting deviants.

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