Report: 96% Of Nation's Smut Consumed By Filthiest 1%

In This Section

Vol 49 Issue 02

Adrian Peterson Re-Tears ACL In Preparation For 2013 Season

MINNEAPOLIS—Hoping to improve upon the remarkable feat of rushing for the second most yards in NFL history a year after tearing his ACL in the final week of 2011, Vikings running back Adrian Peterson announced Sunday that he has intentionally torn h...

I-95 Diagnosed With Highway Cancer

NEW HAVEN, CT—Road oncologists at Yale-New Haven Hospital held a press conference Tuesday to announce that Interstate 95, the main conduit running along the country’s Eastern Seaboard, had begun treatment for stage III highway cancer, an advan...

Noogies Around The World

National Geographic 8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST It turns out that some countries don’t even call them noogies; they call them something else in their own language.

Nation Can’t Wait To Wake Up And Start Eating Again

LINCOLN, NE—All across the nation Friday, U.S. residents turning in for the night said they were eager to fall asleep, as they simply could not wait to wake up the following morning and once more have the opportunity to consume food.

Packers vs. Niners

The Packers battle the 49ers in the NFC divisional playoff game for a rematch of every single time these two teams have met.

Denzel Washington

Even though he probably won’t win Best Actor, Denzel Washington is planning to attend the Oscars all the same.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Report: 96% Of Nation's Smut Consumed By Filthiest 1%

VAN NUYS, CA—A study released this week by the San Fernando Valley Institute for Adults-Only Research indicates that a staggering 96 percent of U.S. pornography is consumed by the filthiest 1 percent of the population. “Of all the pornography watched everywhere in the world, the vast majority is consumed by this elite group of ‘super-perverts,’” the study read in part. “The most disturbing aspect of these findings is that everybody in the top 1 percent thinks that everyone else is looking at porn too, and that this is somehow ‘normal,’ but in fact the individuals who think this are small in number and simply the nastiest, dirtiest masturbating freaks out there.” The report concluded that the filthiest 1 percent should feel deep shame for being such incredibly disgusting deviants.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More