‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Report: 97% Of Inner Tube Occupants Agree It Doesn’t Get Any Better Than This

SEATTLE—According to a survey conducted Friday of Americans visiting scenic waterways across the nation, 97 percent of individuals currently floating down a lazy, winding river in an inflatable rubber tube agreed that it doesn’t get any better than this. “An overwhelming proportion of respondents indicated that occupying an inner tube on a summer’s day was just the best,” said University of Washington researcher Tessa Huddleston, adding that two-thirds of those surveyed revealed that they had within the past few minutes let out a contented sigh and trailed their fingertips across the water’s surface before cracking open a cold one. “Forty percent of the people occupying inner tubes stated that the water was absolutely perfect, while another 20 percent said that, oh yeah, they could definitely do this every day, not a problem.” The survey also found that the 3 percent of Americans not currently enjoying their tubing experience had just dropped their smartphones in the river, shouted “Fuck!” and complained that they would have been better off staying home.

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