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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Report: A-Rod Probably Thinking About Betting On Baseball

NEW YORK—After carefully analyzing the progression of contemptible things the Yankees third baseman has done in his career, a report released Friday by the University of Missouri's sports psychology department concluded Alex Rodriguez is most likely thinking about betting on baseball right now. "A-Rod hasn't done anything dickish in quite some time, so he has to be contemplating something truly despicable," said lead researcher Dr. James Lisanti, adding that Rodriguez is not likely to actually make a bet until New York is in a crucial playoff series. "At this point in time, we don't think he's heard of Pete Rose, but once he has, we expect him to attend one of Rose's charity events so he can ask him how he got caught." The report also suggested revelations of A-Rod's betting will not surface until after he has already been arrested for vomiting into a reflecting pool at the World Trade Center memorial, gotten a 16-year-old Disney Channel pop star pregnant, and been banned from baseball for testing positive for steroids a third time.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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