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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Report: A-Rod Probably Thinking About Betting On Baseball

NEW YORK—After carefully analyzing the progression of contemptible things the Yankees third baseman has done in his career, a report released Friday by the University of Missouri's sports psychology department concluded Alex Rodriguez is most likely thinking about betting on baseball right now. "A-Rod hasn't done anything dickish in quite some time, so he has to be contemplating something truly despicable," said lead researcher Dr. James Lisanti, adding that Rodriguez is not likely to actually make a bet until New York is in a crucial playoff series. "At this point in time, we don't think he's heard of Pete Rose, but once he has, we expect him to attend one of Rose's charity events so he can ask him how he got caught." The report also suggested revelations of A-Rod's betting will not surface until after he has already been arrested for vomiting into a reflecting pool at the World Trade Center memorial, gotten a 16-year-old Disney Channel pop star pregnant, and been banned from baseball for testing positive for steroids a third time.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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