Report: Adjectives 'Tony,' 'Snarky' Used Only By Media

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Vol 35 Issue 33

T.A. Spotted At Bar

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Teaching assistant Drew Phelan was witnessed talking and laughing at an area bar Monday.

Hamburglar Urges Senate Subcommittee To 'Robble Robble Robble'

WASHINGTON, DC—Denouncing a prison system he described as "robble," hamburger advocate and convicted felon Hamburglar addressed the Senate Subcommittee on Penal Reform Monday, demanding more humane conditions for the nation's inmates. "Robble robble robble robble robble robble robble robble robble robble robble robble," an emotional Hamburglar told the 12-member committee. "Robble robble robble robble robble. Robble robble robble robble robble robble: Robble robble." Reaction to the speech was mixed. "Certainly there is room for improvement in our penal system," U.S. Sen. Bob Smith (R-NH) said. "But I would hardly call the current situation 'robble.'"

Tourist Realizes It's All Just A Lie Set In Place For Him

SAGEBRUSH, TX—An excursion to the Sagebrush Wild West Ghost Town ended in disillusionment Saturday, when, over the course of two hours, Lodi, NJ, resident Vic Coyne came to see the 'genuine 1873 frontier village' for the play-acting fantasy artifice it always was. "I was first taken aback by the blacksmith's shop with the concrete frame," Coyne said. "But I figured it could be a reconstruction from old photographs in cooperation with a local historical society." The final blow, Coyne said, was "the 'old-time' saloon, in which the bartender's nametag read 'Smilin' Joe' and a menu item read 'Old-Fashioned Sarsaparilla,' with 'Hires Root Beer' in parentheses."

Unnamed New Gas Station Struggling To Find 'Stop 'N Go' Variant

CHARLESTON, WV—The grand opening of a Charleston-area gas station was put on hold Monday as its owner struggled to find an available "Stop 'N Go" variant for its name. "Already taken are 'Gas 'N Go,' 'Stop 'N Fuel,' 'Pump 'N Pay,' 'Gas 'N Save,' 'Pay 'N Go,' 'Park 'N Pump,' 'Fuel 'N Drive,' 'Stop 'N Gas,' 'Get 'N Go,' 'Fuel 'N Pay,' 'Buy 'N Leave,' 'Fill 'N Flee,' 'Tank 'N Peel,' and 'Pay 'N G'way,'" said owner Marv Stoudt, who noted that he has even exhausted such British variants as "Petrol 'N Depart." "We are trying to find a yet-unused permutation of two words separated by the fanciful abbreviation 'N that conveys some combination of gas, low price, stopping and going," Stoudt said.

Two Dead In 'Kind Of Brutal' Slaying

NEW ORLEANS—A convenience-store clerk and customer were shot to death Monday in an armed robbery described by witnesses as "kind of brutal." "I don't know, you see lots worse stuff in the movies," said Ed Rozema, who was waiting in line to buy cigarettes at the time of the sort-of-chilling double homicide. "I mean, yes, it was unpleasant, but it wasn't the most gruesome murder in the world." Police at the scene agreed, saying they have seen far more horrific crimes. "The gunshots were clean and to the chest, so it's not like there was blood and brains all over the floor," said Sgt. Bill Culver of New Orleans' 33rd Precinct. "A murderer is going to have to work a lot harder to shock us."

TV Targets Teens

Encouraged by the success of such WB programs as Dawson's Creek and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, other networks are rolling out their own teen-oriented shows this season. What tactics are programmers using to attract this coverted demographic?

Huzzah For The Death Of A Child!

Rejoice, O readers! Let there be songs of praise sung throughout the press-rooms! Bedeck the rooms of my estate with the merry-buntings, and polish my court-yard statue! Truly this is a day for hosannas, for an 8-year-old girl has perished beneath the wheels of a bull-dozer!
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Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Entertainment

Report: Adjectives 'Tony,' 'Snarky' Used Only By Media

BOSTON—According to a report released Monday by the McLuhan Institute For Media Studies, the adjectives "tony" and "snarky" are used exclusively by the media and have not occurred in person-to-person conversation in 36 years. "It is our finding that the most recent occurrence of 'tony' in a non-media context was during a conversation between two socialites at a 1963 New Year's Eve party at New York's Ritz-Carlton Hotel," the report read. "As for 'snarky,' to the best of our knowledge, the word has never been used by a non-media source." The adjectives join "glitterati," "gal pal" and "posh digs" in the pantheon of words and terms existing exclusively in the media.

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