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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Report: Aldon Smith’s Leave Of Absence Could Devastate San Francisco’s Bar Scene

SAN FRANCISCO—With the 49ers outside linebacker entering rehab earlier this week, multiple sources expressed concerns Friday that Aldon Smith’s indefinite leave of absence would absolutely cripple San Francisco’s bar scene. “You just can’t replace a guy like Aldon,” said Mission District bar owner Hank Reynolds, adding that Smith’s dominant presence during two-for-one rails and taps night would be greatly missed. “You can hope that somebody steps up to fill the void, but our business just isn’t as shored up with an All-Pro drinker like that out of the mix.” Unsure when or if Smith will return, local bar owners reportedly expressed hope that the linebacker is able to return without missing so much as a beat and get right back into his position as the anchor of the San Francisco drinking economy.

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