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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Report: Aldon Smith’s Leave Of Absence Could Devastate San Francisco’s Bar Scene

SAN FRANCISCO—With the 49ers outside linebacker entering rehab earlier this week, multiple sources expressed concerns Friday that Aldon Smith’s indefinite leave of absence would absolutely cripple San Francisco’s bar scene. “You just can’t replace a guy like Aldon,” said Mission District bar owner Hank Reynolds, adding that Smith’s dominant presence during two-for-one rails and taps night would be greatly missed. “You can hope that somebody steps up to fill the void, but our business just isn’t as shored up with an All-Pro drinker like that out of the mix.” Unsure when or if Smith will return, local bar owners reportedly expressed hope that the linebacker is able to return without missing so much as a beat and get right back into his position as the anchor of the San Francisco drinking economy.

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