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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Report: Alex Rodriguez Has Asked 4 In 5 Americans For Steroids

NEW YORK—As evidence of doping continues to mount against the 14-time MLB All-Star, reports surfaced Wednesday confirming that throughout the course of his 19-year career, Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez has sought steroids from roughly 4 in every 5 Americans. “Oh, A-Rod? Yeah, he came up to my friends and I at the gym a few weeks ago and asked if we had any HGH,” said 36-year-old Columbia, MD accountant Daniel Caballero, one of approximately 250 million Americans whom Rodriguez has discreetly petitioned for performance-enhancing drugs on at least one occasion. “He also asked my neighbor Greg for something called Primobolan a couple years back, and when my 9-year-old niece got his autograph at an Orioles game, he slipped her a note that said to get in touch if she knew where to score any undetectable anabolic steroids.” According to numerous sources, Rodriguez has also requested clean urine samples from an overwhelming majority of the U.S. populace, including 29-year-old Pittsburgh financial analyst Jennifer Pratt in 1999, Denver-based retiree Martin Nedari in 2006, and Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig in 2011.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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