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Report: Alex Rodriguez Has Asked 4 In 5 Americans For Steroids

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Report: Alex Rodriguez Has Asked 4 In 5 Americans For Steroids

NEW YORK—As evidence of doping continues to mount against the 14-time MLB All-Star, reports surfaced Wednesday confirming that throughout the course of his 19-year career, Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez has sought steroids from roughly 4 in every 5 Americans. “Oh, A-Rod? Yeah, he came up to my friends and I at the gym a few weeks ago and asked if we had any HGH,” said 36-year-old Columbia, MD accountant Daniel Caballero, one of approximately 250 million Americans whom Rodriguez has discreetly petitioned for performance-enhancing drugs on at least one occasion. “He also asked my neighbor Greg for something called Primobolan a couple years back, and when my 9-year-old niece got his autograph at an Orioles game, he slipped her a note that said to get in touch if she knew where to score any undetectable anabolic steroids.” According to numerous sources, Rodriguez has also requested clean urine samples from an overwhelming majority of the U.S. populace, including 29-year-old Pittsburgh financial analyst Jennifer Pratt in 1999, Denver-based retiree Martin Nedari in 2006, and Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig in 2011.

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