adBlockCheck

Report: All The Good Seashells Taken

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Report: All The Good Seashells Taken

Researchers say "junk like this" is all they've been able to locate on the beach.
Researchers say "junk like this" is all they've been able to locate on the beach.

CORAL GABLES, FL—According to a report released Monday by a group of environmental researchers, all the good seashells worth picking up and bringing home have already been taken, a development that threatens the very future of shell collection regionally.

Data obtained from numerous walks along the beach revealed that where once resided an abundance of good shells more than ideal for crafts or souvenirs, there now exist nothing more than shells totally unsuitable for even the most basic purposes of the hobbyist.

"Frankly, the only seashells left are of the most inferior quality, in terms of both aesthetic appeal and structural integrity," said University of Miami researcher Paul Irizarry, gesturing to a display table upon which rested a blotchy cockleshell, a sun-bleached conch with several large chips in its crown, and an array of clamshell fragments. "Anything you might want to thread onto a necklace, string up as wind chimes, or polish and place on the corner of your desk no longer exists."

"We saw one that looked really good at first, but then we turned it over and saw it had a huge crack running along the bottom of it," Irizarry added. "I think we just tossed it in the ocean or something."

While Irizarry and his colleagues did manage to find several lustrous rocks with interesting markings, some halfway decent driftwood, and one or two fully intact sand dollars, report coauthor Marianne Coates said those ancillary discoveries failed to offset the shocking absence of any good seashells.

"None of this changes the fact that the good shells are gone and there's nothing left but blemished, fractured, and just plain weird-looking ones," said Coates, adding that the research team was very briefly excited by what was later determined to be a child's partially buried flip-flop. "This should serve as a wake-up call to anyone who cares about good seashells and doesn't want their children's beachcombing experience to consist solely of finding a nicely preserved horseshoe crab every once in a blue moon."

"But it's probably too late," Coates added. "Seriously, we were out there looking around for hours."

When pressed, however, Coates acknowledged there might be enough bits of good shell left to be assembled into a serviceable mosaic.

Coates told reporters that she suspected most of the satisfactory shells had been stripped away by aunts with nearby beach houses, while the remainder had been picked up by 14-year-olds with few, if any, friends.

"The good shells have clearly been overcollected," Coates said. "There used to be so many, and we just assumed they'd be around forever."

"You'd think we would have learned our lesson when all the good pinecones disappeared," Coates added.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close