adBlockCheck

Report: All The Good Seashells Taken

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Report: All The Good Seashells Taken

Researchers say "junk like this" is all they've been able to locate on the beach.
Researchers say "junk like this" is all they've been able to locate on the beach.

CORAL GABLES, FL—According to a report released Monday by a group of environmental researchers, all the good seashells worth picking up and bringing home have already been taken, a development that threatens the very future of shell collection regionally.

Data obtained from numerous walks along the beach revealed that where once resided an abundance of good shells more than ideal for crafts or souvenirs, there now exist nothing more than shells totally unsuitable for even the most basic purposes of the hobbyist.

"Frankly, the only seashells left are of the most inferior quality, in terms of both aesthetic appeal and structural integrity," said University of Miami researcher Paul Irizarry, gesturing to a display table upon which rested a blotchy cockleshell, a sun-bleached conch with several large chips in its crown, and an array of clamshell fragments. "Anything you might want to thread onto a necklace, string up as wind chimes, or polish and place on the corner of your desk no longer exists."

"We saw one that looked really good at first, but then we turned it over and saw it had a huge crack running along the bottom of it," Irizarry added. "I think we just tossed it in the ocean or something."

While Irizarry and his colleagues did manage to find several lustrous rocks with interesting markings, some halfway decent driftwood, and one or two fully intact sand dollars, report coauthor Marianne Coates said those ancillary discoveries failed to offset the shocking absence of any good seashells.

"None of this changes the fact that the good shells are gone and there's nothing left but blemished, fractured, and just plain weird-looking ones," said Coates, adding that the research team was very briefly excited by what was later determined to be a child's partially buried flip-flop. "This should serve as a wake-up call to anyone who cares about good seashells and doesn't want their children's beachcombing experience to consist solely of finding a nicely preserved horseshoe crab every once in a blue moon."

"But it's probably too late," Coates added. "Seriously, we were out there looking around for hours."

When pressed, however, Coates acknowledged there might be enough bits of good shell left to be assembled into a serviceable mosaic.

Coates told reporters that she suspected most of the satisfactory shells had been stripped away by aunts with nearby beach houses, while the remainder had been picked up by 14-year-olds with few, if any, friends.

"The good shells have clearly been overcollected," Coates said. "There used to be so many, and we just assumed they'd be around forever."

"You'd think we would have learned our lesson when all the good pinecones disappeared," Coates added.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close