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Report: All The Good Stuff Costs, Like, 200 Bucks

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Report: All The Good Stuff Costs, Like, 200 Bucks

WASHINGTON—A Commerce Department report released Wednesday found that while there is stuff out there for 150 and even 100 bucks, any of the good stuff is going to run you 200 bucks, easy. "This report demonstrates that if you want something really cool that will last more than a year, it's going to cost you," Commerce Secretary Gary Locke said. "But our findings suggest that—while no one's got 200 bucks just lying around—if you buy the more expensive stuff, it'll be worth it in the long run." The report also warned that by 2015 the good stuff might actually set you back 300 bucks, if you can believe that.

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