Report: All Things Aside, American Flag Still Looks Pretty Good Majestically Billowing In Wind

In This Section

Vol 50 Issue 30

Sex Toy Discreetly Shipped In Plain Dildo-Shaped Box

Medical experts announce that an Ebola vaccine is at least 50 white people away from being developed, a new poll finds a majority of the CIA is now ready to install a female world leader, and a sex toy is discreetly shipped in a plain dildo-shaped box.

Teens Getting Hurt Playing ‘Fire Challenge’ Game

Police and medical workers across the country are reporting more incidents of teenagers hurting themselves playing the “Fire Challenge” game shown in numerous YouTube videos, which involves pouring a small amount of flammable liquid on their b...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Personal Finance

Report: All Things Aside, American Flag Still Looks Pretty Good Majestically Billowing In Wind

WILLIAMSBURG, VA—Noting how striking its bold colors appear framed against the blue of the daytime sky, a report published Thursday by the College of William & Mary concluded that, all things aside, the American flag still looks pretty amazing when it billows in a steady breeze. “We found that if people simply look at those stars and stripes swelling and unfurling in the wind and can just separate themselves from whatever might be called to mind, the American flag remains a spectacular sight to behold,” said lead researcher Andrew Hamill, adding that whether it is set against a sunset atop a hill, rippling gently outside a family home, or waving from a float in a Memorial Day parade, the U.S. flag—just the flag by itself, without any of the associated thoughts or feelings that might come with it—has an undeniably august quality. “There is still something moving and beautiful about the sight of Old Glory fluttering high above and the sound of her fabric rustling and snapping in the wind, provided you push everything else to the side. So long as you can just focus on the flag and the flag alone, she’s still something special.” The report further confirmed that regardless of connotation or symbolism, the British Union Jack invariably looks cool.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More