Report: All Things Aside, American Flag Still Looks Pretty Good Majestically Billowing In Wind

Top Headlines

Recent News

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Report: All Things Aside, American Flag Still Looks Pretty Good Majestically Billowing In Wind

WILLIAMSBURG, VA—Noting how striking its bold colors appear framed against the blue of the daytime sky, a report published Thursday by the College of William & Mary concluded that, all things aside, the American flag still looks pretty amazing when it billows in a steady breeze. “We found that if people simply look at those stars and stripes swelling and unfurling in the wind and can just separate themselves from whatever might be called to mind, the American flag remains a spectacular sight to behold,” said lead researcher Andrew Hamill, adding that whether it is set against a sunset atop a hill, rippling gently outside a family home, or waving from a float in a Memorial Day parade, the U.S. flag—just the flag by itself, without any of the associated thoughts or feelings that might come with it—has an undeniably august quality. “There is still something moving and beautiful about the sight of Old Glory fluttering high above and the sound of her fabric rustling and snapping in the wind, provided you push everything else to the side. So long as you can just focus on the flag and the flag alone, she’s still something special.” The report further confirmed that regardless of connotation or symbolism, the British Union Jack invariably looks cool.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close