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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Report: All Things Aside, American Flag Still Looks Pretty Good Majestically Billowing In Wind

WILLIAMSBURG, VA—Noting how striking its bold colors appear framed against the blue of the daytime sky, a report published Thursday by the College of William & Mary concluded that, all things aside, the American flag still looks pretty amazing when it billows in a steady breeze. “We found that if people simply look at those stars and stripes swelling and unfurling in the wind and can just separate themselves from whatever might be called to mind, the American flag remains a spectacular sight to behold,” said lead researcher Andrew Hamill, adding that whether it is set against a sunset atop a hill, rippling gently outside a family home, or waving from a float in a Memorial Day parade, the U.S. flag—just the flag by itself, without any of the associated thoughts or feelings that might come with it—has an undeniably august quality. “There is still something moving and beautiful about the sight of Old Glory fluttering high above and the sound of her fabric rustling and snapping in the wind, provided you push everything else to the side. So long as you can just focus on the flag and the flag alone, she’s still something special.” The report further confirmed that regardless of connotation or symbolism, the British Union Jack invariably looks cool.

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