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Report: Almost Nobody Raped During Duke's First Lacrosse Match

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

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RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Report: Almost Nobody Raped During Duke's First Lacrosse Match

DURHAM, NC—The Duke Blue Devils lacrosse team celebrated a triumphant return to the field last Saturday, defeating the Dartmouth Big Green 17-11 in a game that featured six goals by junior Zack Greer, eight saves from goaltender Dan Loftus, and close to zero reported rapes. "The Duke lacrosse program plans to uphold its proud tradition of winning and barely raping anyone," first-year coach John Danowski told assembled reporters and law-enforcement officials after the match. "And it was great to see the record number of 6,485 fans in attendance, all of whom really showed their support except the two female undergraduates seated in Section 8A and [Blue Devils cheerleader] Chrissy [Heinman], who were being sexually assaulted." Danowski predicted many more victories and even fewer rapes as the season progresses.

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