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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Report: America Ready For Third Ketchup Brand

ITHACA, NY–According to a report released Monday by Cornell University's College Of Food Science, America is ready for a third brand of ketchup. "Our research indicates that, after nearly 50 years as a two-brand nation, the U.S. has reached a state of what we call 'Brand-Three Preparedness,'" head researcher Dr. Diane Albrecht said. "It remains to be seen what this brand is and how its taste will differ from that of Heinz and Hunt's, but the groundwork has been laid." Albrecht added that, to go along with the third brand, the popular condiment may introduce a third spelling of its name, with leading contenders believed to be "ketsup," "catchup," and katzhup."

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