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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Report: America Ready For Third Ketchup Brand

ITHACA, NY–According to a report released Monday by Cornell University's College Of Food Science, America is ready for a third brand of ketchup. "Our research indicates that, after nearly 50 years as a two-brand nation, the U.S. has reached a state of what we call 'Brand-Three Preparedness,'" head researcher Dr. Diane Albrecht said. "It remains to be seen what this brand is and how its taste will differ from that of Heinz and Hunt's, but the groundwork has been laid." Albrecht added that, to go along with the third brand, the popular condiment may introduce a third spelling of its name, with leading contenders believed to be "ketsup," "catchup," and katzhup."

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