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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Report: America Still World Leader In Manufacturing Excuses

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Revealing that Americans still excel in assembling all types of justifications, a report released Monday by researchers at Rutgers University confirmed that the United States remains the world’s unrivaled leader in manufacturing excuses. “Our data shows that the American people are able to churn out millions of excuses every day, a rate five times faster than that of our closest international competitor,” said author Tom McCullough, who noted that the country continues to dominate in every excuse-manufacturing subsector, with Americans mass-producing rationalizations for everything from why they didn’t finish college to which of their colleagues should be blamed for them not receiving a promotion. “Whether U.S. citizens are trying to get out of work, an upcoming party, or even a relationship, American excuses are still the envy of the industrialized world. Few countries can produce the same quality or quantity of pretexts, alibis, or half-assed explanations.” McCullough added that the report probably could have been far better had his team been given more time and resources.

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