adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Report: America Still World Leader In Manufacturing Excuses

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Revealing that Americans still excel in assembling all types of justifications, a report released Monday by researchers at Rutgers University confirmed that the United States remains the world’s unrivaled leader in manufacturing excuses. “Our data shows that the American people are able to churn out millions of excuses every day, a rate five times faster than that of our closest international competitor,” said author Tom McCullough, who noted that the country continues to dominate in every excuse-manufacturing subsector, with Americans mass-producing rationalizations for everything from why they didn’t finish college to which of their colleagues should be blamed for them not receiving a promotion. “Whether U.S. citizens are trying to get out of work, an upcoming party, or even a relationship, American excuses are still the envy of the industrialized world. Few countries can produce the same quality or quantity of pretexts, alibis, or half-assed explanations.” McCullough added that the report probably could have been far better had his team been given more time and resources.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close