adBlockCheck

Report: American Dream Now An Out-Of-Court Settlement

Top Headlines

Recent News

Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holidays

Report: American Dream Now An Out-Of-Court Settlement

NEW YORK—Drawing on national polling data and extensive personal interviews, social scientists confirmed that the concept of the American Dream, the widely held aspiration among U.S. citizens of achieving financial security and personal happiness, now consists entirely of receiving a substantial out-of-court settlement. “Whereas achieving the American Dream once meant rising to a stable position of prosperity through years of dedicated work and personal merit, the ideal has shifted in recent years to one of settling out of court for six or seven figures after months of protracted legal wrangling behind closed doors,” said Columbia University sociologist Dr. Adam Corigliano, stating that the vast majority of lower- and middle-class Americans now hope to achieve upward social mobility by making a legal claim against an immensely wealthy corporation or individual and then receiving a large lump sum in exchange for dropping the case and allowing the party to avoid any public admission of wrongdoing. “The idea that anyone in America, no matter who they are or where they came from, can make their way to the top is still very much alive, whether it involves filing a suit for harassment, negligence resulting in injury or death, or mistreatment at the hands of an employer or service provider. Aiming for a huge payoff so a high-profile celebrity or business can avoid a lengthy, publicly damaging trial is what unites us as Americans, regardless of our race, creed, or social standing—it’s what this country is all about.” Corigliano added, however, that statistics showed only a slim fraction of impoverished residents ever have the good fortune to become permanently disabled by a botched surgical procedure or lose an infant to a defective crib and thereby achieve their financial goals.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close