adBlockCheck

Report: American Dream Now An Out-Of-Court Settlement

Top Headlines

Recent News

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

Report: American Dream Now An Out-Of-Court Settlement

NEW YORK—Drawing on national polling data and extensive personal interviews, social scientists confirmed that the concept of the American Dream, the widely held aspiration among U.S. citizens of achieving financial security and personal happiness, now consists entirely of receiving a substantial out-of-court settlement. “Whereas achieving the American Dream once meant rising to a stable position of prosperity through years of dedicated work and personal merit, the ideal has shifted in recent years to one of settling out of court for six or seven figures after months of protracted legal wrangling behind closed doors,” said Columbia University sociologist Dr. Adam Corigliano, stating that the vast majority of lower- and middle-class Americans now hope to achieve upward social mobility by making a legal claim against an immensely wealthy corporation or individual and then receiving a large lump sum in exchange for dropping the case and allowing the party to avoid any public admission of wrongdoing. “The idea that anyone in America, no matter who they are or where they came from, can make their way to the top is still very much alive, whether it involves filing a suit for harassment, negligence resulting in injury or death, or mistreatment at the hands of an employer or service provider. Aiming for a huge payoff so a high-profile celebrity or business can avoid a lengthy, publicly damaging trial is what unites us as Americans, regardless of our race, creed, or social standing—it’s what this country is all about.” Corigliano added, however, that statistics showed only a slim fraction of impoverished residents ever have the good fortune to become permanently disabled by a botched surgical procedure or lose an infant to a defective crib and thereby achieve their financial goals.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close