Report: Americans Receive Majority Of Vitamins Through Hair

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Vol 34 Issue 04

Contact Paper Beautifies Drawer Interior

PAWTUCKET, RI–The drab, ordinary interior of the third drawer from the top in Beatrice Sewell's bedroom dresser was transformed into a storage area of poetic beauty Tuesday with the application of contact paper purchased at a Pawtucket-area Big Lots store. "The interior of this drawer has entered a new era of attractive, green-and-yellow floral splendor," decorating expert Helen Bowles said. "Look for drawer three to dominate drawer-interior aesthetics for decades to come."

Report: Shopoholism May Have Killed The Shoposauruses

MISSOULA, MT–According to a report released Tuesday by the University of Montana's department of natural history, the consumption-crazed dinosaur known as the Shoposaurus may have become extinct as a result of shopoholism. "Newly gathered field data indicates that the Shoposaurus, a creature which thrived for millions of years in the lush, competitively priced pastures of Triassic North America, was ultimately done in by its own insatiable addiction to shopping," read the report, which has sent shockwaves through the world's paleontological community. "This 'born-to-shop' species emptied prehistoric store shelves faster than those shelves could be restocked, causing the beast to run out of items to buy and die–literally shopping until dropping."

7-Year-Old Only Likes Corn

GRAND RAPIDS, MI–Benjamin Gadsen, a local 7-year-old, dislikes all food other than corn, it was reported Tuesday. "He likes corn on the cob, corn niblets, creamed corn, corn chips, corn flakes, corn syrup, corn oil, cornbread, corn dogs, roasting ears, popcorn, and Indian corn," said Ruth Gadsen, the boy's mother. "Basically, if it's corn, he'll eat it."

Area Man May Have Lied About Having Sex

WENATCHEE, WA–Accusations are mounting in the sexual-misconduct investigation of Wenatchee resident Kenneth Briggs. "I am in possession of taped conversations proving that Briggs had sex with waitress Tina Pruitt, then urged her to lie about it," federal prosecutor Oliver Schill said. "I strongly urge Briggs to come forward now and admit the truth before more time and taxpayers' money is wasted." Though hearings have not yet begun, a number of Wenatchee residents are already calling for Briggs to step down from his position as a third-shift gas-station attendant.

HMOs And Birth Control

HMOs do not cover birth control, a fact that has angered many people in light of HMOs' coverage of Viagra. What do you think?

Ex-Girlfriend To Arrive At 5:15 To Pick Up End Table

TUCSON, AZ–Jodi Hennings, 24, ex-girlfriend of area resident Rich Zeger, 25, announced Tuesday that she will arrive at 5:15 p.m. Thursday to pick up an end table from the apartment the two had shared until eight days ago.

Nazi SS Cemetery Desecrated By Pro-Semitic Graffiti

DARMSTADT, GERMANY–Residents of this quiet Rhineland city awoke Monday to discover that Heinrich Himmler Memorial Cemetery, the final resting place of over 200 Nazi SS Officers who gave their lives for Germany in World War II, had been desecrated during the night with pro-Semitic graffiti.

Aroint Thee, Heretic!

To-day's Sermon concerns Those who have committ'd various Transgressions against the Lord Our God and wish to atone for their Sins.
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Report: Americans Receive Majority Of Vitamins Through Hair

BOSTON–A report published in the Aug. 25 issue of The New England Journal Of Medicine indicates that the average American receives 87 percent of his or her daily vitamin intake through the hair.

An Aveda Institute rendering of the nutrition absorbed through hair.

"Over the past five years, the field of hair-nutrient technology has evolved at a stunning rate," said Dr. Irving Kallberg, follicular nutritionist and author of the report. "Not surprisingly, shampoo has now surpassed food as the primary source of vitamins for the vast majority of U.S. citizens."

According to Kallberg, a single quarter-ounce application of a high-vitamin shampoo like Clairol's Herbal Essences or Pantene Pro-V provides a full day's supply of Vitamins A, B, C, D and E, as well as minerals like calcium, zinc and magnesium. By supplementing shampoo use with a quality revitalizing conditioner like Aussie Hair Salad, Kallberg said, the user can meet all of his or her nutritional needs.

"A serving of Paul Mitchell shampoo contains more protein than a 14-ounce New York strip steak," Kallberg said. "And, unlike meat, Paul Mitchell products give your hair a healthy, radiant shine."

"I wash my hair at least six times a day," said Robert Meader, a self-described "health nut" from Hermosa Beach, CA. "I used to be a vegetarian, but now I'm on a strict daily regimen of Nexus Protein-Plus shampoo and Aveda clarifying rinse. And you know what? I've never felt better."

Willow Lake shampoo, which meets the USRDA for 11 essential vitamins and minerals.

Across the U.S., restaurants are jumping on the bandwagon, offering patrons a wide selection of hair-care treatments along with their meals. Said Denny's vice-president of operations Ken St. Croix: "We currently offer a $9.99 meal deal featuring choice of entree with soup, shampoo, salad, rinse, potato, conditioner, choice of beverage and blow-dry, with dessert and styling gel available for $2 extra."

Food manufacturers are getting into the act, as well. Campbell's is developing a line of deep-cleansing and conditioning soups. Spokespersons for Chef Boyardee said the company has an anti-dandruff ravioli in the works. And Gatorade is planning a September rollout for its new line of "Sport-Sheen" athletic shampoos, which promise to "replace the vital carbohydrates and electrolytes your hair loses during exercise."

Experts say the trend is only beginning.

"With fatty, empty-calorie-laden Big Macs and pizzas becoming the norm, Americans' reliance on hair-washings for their basic nutritional needs will only increase," said New York University dietitian Penny Raskin. "By 2005, the family dinner hour will be all but obsolete, replaced by the family shower."

"Basically," Raskin said, "the secret to good health is simple: regular exercise, plenty of sleep and a good pH-balanced diet."

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