adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

Report: Another Baseball Team Almost Does Something As Interesting As Yankees, Red Sox

NOT BOSTON OR NEW YORK—Something nearly worth reporting occurred either Saturday or Sunday—although no written records of the event exist, analysts claim it was the same day the Yankees beat the Mets to take the Subway Series—when the Minnesota Twins squandered a large late-game lead to the Brewers, but then won the game when Jason [sic] Morneau hit a walkoff home run in a manner eerily reminiscent of Red Sox slugger David Ortiz. "Manny Ramirez has really started heating up at the plate as of late, and you know what that means—opposing pitchers had better watch out," ESPN's Sean McAdam said when asked about Corey Hart's eighth-inning homer that cut the Twins' lead to two. "But if the Yankees rotation stays healthy and Abreu keeps swinging a big stick, it will be a tight race down the stretch. Should be a fun summer." Prince Fielder, Torii Hunter, Jeff Suppan, and Joe Nathan were unavailable for comment, as they are not Derek Jeter, Curt Schilling, Johnny Damon, or Alex Rodriguez.

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close