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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Report: Antismoking Group Has Never Even Tried Cigarettes

WINSTON-SALEM, NC—A controversial report released Monday by the tobacco advocacy group Smoking Now blasted the antismoking group Truth.org for never even once taking a drag off a rich, flavorful brand-name cigarette before forming its negative opinions. "This is America," pro-smoking activist Amber Joyce said. "What ever happened to not knocking it before you try it? Give it at least a pack, then come back and tell us that it's no fun." The report concluded that if the members of Truth .org just bummed a couple while they were drunk, they would see how smooth and cool cigarettes, and they themselves, could be.

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