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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Report: Antismoking Group Has Never Even Tried Cigarettes

WINSTON-SALEM, NC—A controversial report released Monday by the tobacco advocacy group Smoking Now blasted the antismoking group Truth.org for never even once taking a drag off a rich, flavorful brand-name cigarette before forming its negative opinions. "This is America," pro-smoking activist Amber Joyce said. "What ever happened to not knocking it before you try it? Give it at least a pack, then come back and tell us that it's no fun." The report concluded that if the members of Truth .org just bummed a couple while they were drunk, they would see how smooth and cool cigarettes, and they themselves, could be.

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