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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Report: Anxiety Disorders Induced By Trump Presidency Not Covered Under GOP Health Bill

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the legislation would create major gaps in treatment for tens of millions of people, a new report released Thursday by the American Public Health Association found that anxiety disorders induced by Donald Trump’s presidency will not be covered under the new GOP healthcare bill. “Under the proposed American Health Care Act, those experiencing anxiety over the impact of the Trump administration on the economy, civil rights, or the environment, or just suffering from generalized distress over the future of the nation, will have to pay exorbitant out-of-pocket expenses for any therapies required to cope,” said policy analyst Jason Coates, adding that not even the groups who will need treatment most, such as immigrants, women, and the poor, would be covered. “Even as President Trump continues to enact more of his controversial agenda and make antagonizing public statements, millions will remain vulnerable to the resulting mental health issues. And if left untreated over an entire four-year term, they could develop into more serious conditions that will end up costing taxpayers much more in the long run.” The report also acknowledged, however, that Trump-related anxiety would result in billions of dollars in savings for elder care due to the shortened lifespan of many seniors.

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