adBlockCheck

Report: Area Woman Has Best Friends In Whole World

Top Headlines

Recent News

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Report: Area Woman Has Best Friends In Whole World

Berley, middle, with the women experts confirmed are the best friends in the world.
Berley, middle, with the women experts confirmed are the best friends in the world.

NEW HAVEN, CT—A new report released Wednesday by a privately funded think tank revealed that local receptionist Amanda Berley, 31, has the best friends in the whole world.

The report, which compared Berley's friends to a wide sampling of similar groups across multiple demographics, found the women to be superior in all aspects of friendship, including going out for cocktails after work, telling someone they are too good for that asshole anyway, and remembering birthdays even if the person didn't want to make a big deal out of it.

"After months of intensive analysis, we can now determine conclusively that Amanda Berley's friends are indeed the greatest in the world," said Stephen Reynolds, spokesperson for the Fielding Institute. "These individuals are her girls. And according to our findings, all of them are the absolute best."

"In fact, these women exhibit levels of support that go far beyond those displayed by any of the other friends observable anywhere on earth," Reynolds added. "They're really more like sisters, and they always have her back."

According to researchers, advanced statistics show that Berley's friend group is the only one out of the 2.3 billion in existence that would have been as there for her when her grandfather was in the hospital briefly last summer or that time she thought she was going to lose her job.

Further data also suggests that no other† friends in any of the 195 independent countries were as smart, cool, awesome, understanding, and fun to be around.

In addition to analyzing the group as a whole, researchers also found each of the girls individually to be "so fucking beautiful, both inside and out."

"Amanda and Sarah have literally been friends since day one," said Reynolds, noting that their experience living together during college had made them closer than any two other human beings alive today. "Our research shows Amanda would do anything for that girl and knows Sarah would do the same for her."

When asked if he considered Amanda and Sarah to be best friends, Reynolds said there was little evidence to suggest any of the girls would ever choose one over another, but that if it came down to it, Amanda would probably choose former coworker Megan Hill, due to their history of going through a lot of shit together and coming out stronger for it.

Sources close to the girls said the formation of the core five has been challenging at times, and it has not always been easy to distinguish "lying bitches who say things they don't know anything about" from wonderful, supportive women who are going to make some man very happy one day and deserve it all.

Despite these tribulations, researchers at the Fielding Institute concluded members of the group are as close today as they have ever been, especially now that they no longer hang out with Allison.

"Allison used to be an integral part of the group, but then of course she turned out to be a total psycho," said Briggs, adding that data indicates Allison "even looks like a bitch." "Ugh. Don't get me started on her."

The research team confirmed it would issue a follow-up report next year detailing how Berley's mother and father were not only the best parents a person could ever ask for, but also amazing friends as well.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close