adBlockCheck

Report: Aspirin Taken Daily With Bottle Of Bourbon Reduces Awareness Of Heart Attacks

Top Headlines

Science & Technology

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.

How Dating Sites Match Their Users

With millions of people opting to use online dating sites to meet new potential romantic partners, many are wondering how computer algorithms can enhance their chances of finding “the one.” Here are the steps that dating sites take to match compatible users

How To File A Patent

In the United States, anyone who believes they have invented something truly unique is welcome to fill out a patent application to protect it, but it’s often a complicated and laborious process. Here are the steps involved in securing a patent

EPA Urges Nation To Develop New Air Source

WASHINGTON—Citing the hazardous levels of carbon dioxide and other pollutants accumulating in the atmosphere, officials from the Environmental Protection Agency urged the nation this week to develop a new air source.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Report: Aspirin Taken Daily With Bottle Of Bourbon Reduces Awareness Of Heart Attacks

PHILADELPHIA—In a medical breakthrough that should come as welcome news for millions of at-risk Americans, University of Pennsylvania cardiologists announced Tuesday that taking one aspirin tablet and a fifth of bourbon daily can "significantly reduce" an individual's awareness of heart attacks.

Chart: Heart Attack Awareness

"This study represents a major victory in the fight against heart disease, America's number-one killer," said Dr. Arthur Katzeff, head of the University of Pennsylvania team. "Each year, more than two million Americans clutch their chests in terror and say, 'Jesus Christ! I'm having a fucking heart attack!' With this revolutionary new aspirin-bourbon treatment, however, such fully conscious incidents of cardiac arrest may soon be a thing of the past."

According to Katzeff, test subjects who were administered a single aspirin tablet in the morning, followed by a fifth of bonded Kentucky bourbon over the next several hours, were 85 percent less likely to realize they were having a heart attack than subjects who did not take aspirin with bourbon.

Jim Beam and aspirin

Americans are excited about the findings. "My four heart attacks have all been hellish," said Ronald Diering, an Evansville, IN, auto mechanic. "I was aware of everything that was happening, and I was gripped by the fear that I was going to die. But with this new aspirin-bourbon treatment, future heart attacks should be much less traumatic."

"Who wants to spend what could be their last moments on Earth in terror?" said Alex Broadhurst of San Jose, CA. "Better to enjoy another bourbon and lie on the floor waiting for the ambulance to show up."

University of Pennsylvania researchers said individuals who take aspirin and bourbon in the prevention of heart attacks may experience certain side effects, including slurred speech, impaired vision, and vomiting.

Upon waking up from a heart attack, researchers said, there is also a chance of having "a wicked hangover." In such cases, individuals are strongly advised to avoid bright lights and not to move around too much.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close