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NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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Report: Aspirin Taken Daily With Bottle Of Bourbon Reduces Awareness Of Heart Attacks

PHILADELPHIA—In a medical breakthrough that should come as welcome news for millions of at-risk Americans, University of Pennsylvania cardiologists announced Tuesday that taking one aspirin tablet and a fifth of bourbon daily can "significantly reduce" an individual's awareness of heart attacks.

Chart: Heart Attack Awareness

"This study represents a major victory in the fight against heart disease, America's number-one killer," said Dr. Arthur Katzeff, head of the University of Pennsylvania team. "Each year, more than two million Americans clutch their chests in terror and say, 'Jesus Christ! I'm having a fucking heart attack!' With this revolutionary new aspirin-bourbon treatment, however, such fully conscious incidents of cardiac arrest may soon be a thing of the past."

According to Katzeff, test subjects who were administered a single aspirin tablet in the morning, followed by a fifth of bonded Kentucky bourbon over the next several hours, were 85 percent less likely to realize they were having a heart attack than subjects who did not take aspirin with bourbon.

Jim Beam and aspirin

Americans are excited about the findings. "My four heart attacks have all been hellish," said Ronald Diering, an Evansville, IN, auto mechanic. "I was aware of everything that was happening, and I was gripped by the fear that I was going to die. But with this new aspirin-bourbon treatment, future heart attacks should be much less traumatic."

"Who wants to spend what could be their last moments on Earth in terror?" said Alex Broadhurst of San Jose, CA. "Better to enjoy another bourbon and lie on the floor waiting for the ambulance to show up."

University of Pennsylvania researchers said individuals who take aspirin and bourbon in the prevention of heart attacks may experience certain side effects, including slurred speech, impaired vision, and vomiting.

Upon waking up from a heart attack, researchers said, there is also a chance of having "a wicked hangover." In such cases, individuals are strongly advised to avoid bright lights and not to move around too much.

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