Report: At Least 14 Different Types Of Animals Crawl On You While You Sleep

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Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Man Honestly Thinks He’s Going To Get To Bed Early

DANBURY, CT—Entertaining outlandish delusions of actually getting in a solid eight hours of sleep, 29-year-old Josh Briner is honestly under the impression that he will be going to bed early, sources confirmed Thursday.

Man Unfortunately Sleeps Like Baby

YAKIMA, WA—According to frustrated family sources, 49-year-old Gene Dawson sleeps like a baby, waking up every few hours and needing to be held and soothed before he can fall back asleep.

Husband Apologizing In Sleep

OGDEN, UT—For the third time in as many nights, Chuck Grimstead apologized to wife Olivia in his sleep Monday. "I'm sorry, honey, I didn't mean—hzzzzuwuh," the 43-year-old dentist muttered into his pillow at 4 a.m. "Urmmm... never do it again." Grimstead also promised to be more considerate of his wife's feelings the next time he decided to hnnrghhhh with his poker buddies.
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Report: At Least 14 Different Types Of Animals Crawl On You While You Sleep

SAN DIEGO—A study conducted at the University of San Diego found that during an average night's sleep, at least 14 different animals, ranging from ants to Gila monsters to wounded possums, are likely to scurry, slither, or crawl across a slumbering individual's body. "You become a virtual playground for these creatures mere minutes after you fall asleep, inhaling dozens of insects and swallowing up to 17 spiders during an eight-hour period," lead researcher Jack Paulette told reporters Thursday, adding that earwig colonies spend each night hatching thousands of their young in and around human genitalia. "If you’re lying in bed and feel as if something has just brushed across your leg, that's because something actually has. In most cases, snakes." Paulette added that it's not uncommon for a baby mountain goat to clamber upon one's shoulder at night in an attempt to find purchase, and that people who awaken with mountain-goat afterbirth in their bedsheets should know they aren't alone.

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