adBlockCheck

Report: Authorities Recommend The Film 'You've Got Mail' For Those Snowed In Today

Top Headlines

Recent News

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Report: Authorities Recommend The Film 'You've Got Mail' For Those Snowed In Today

WASHINGTON—With a major winter storm predicted to dump as much as 30 inches of snow across the northeastern United States this weekend, officials at the National Weather Service issued an urgent bulletin Friday recommending the 1998 Tom Hanks–Meg Ryan romantic comedy You’ve Got Mail to anyone confined to their homes by the inclement weather. “Given widespread whiteout conditions on roadways and potentially historic snow accumulations across the region, we are urging citizens to stay inside and wait out this storm curled up on the couch watching the charming and endearing tale of an anonymous email courtship between two unsuspecting business rivals,” said National Weather Service director Louis Uccellini, adding that the agency had posted a list of Redbox locations and links to the movie’s Amazon Instant Video download page on the agency’s website. “Since blizzard conditions are likely to persist through Saturday night in many locations, disaffected citizens should not hesitate to watch this classic rom-com a second time, especially the heartwarming climactic scene when Joe comes into the park walking his dog Brinkley and Kathleen realizes he was the one she’d been corresponding with all along.” Uccellini added that he and FEMA director W. Craig Fugate had already begun emergency talks with TBS to begin delivering a much-needed Nora Ephron movie marathon to those in the hardest-hit areas.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close