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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Report: Authorities Recommend The Film 'You've Got Mail' For Those Snowed In Today

WASHINGTON—With a major winter storm predicted to dump as much as 30 inches of snow across the northeastern United States this weekend, officials at the National Weather Service issued an urgent bulletin Friday recommending the 1998 Tom Hanks–Meg Ryan romantic comedy You’ve Got Mail to anyone confined to their homes by the inclement weather. “Given widespread whiteout conditions on roadways and potentially historic snow accumulations across the region, we are urging citizens to stay inside and wait out this storm curled up on the couch watching the charming and endearing tale of an anonymous email courtship between two unsuspecting business rivals,” said National Weather Service director Louis Uccellini, adding that the agency had posted a list of Redbox locations and links to the movie’s Amazon Instant Video download page on the agency’s website. “Since blizzard conditions are likely to persist through Saturday night in many locations, disaffected citizens should not hesitate to watch this classic rom-com a second time, especially the heartwarming climactic scene when Joe comes into the park walking his dog Brinkley and Kathleen realizes he was the one she’d been corresponding with all along.” Uccellini added that he and FEMA director W. Craig Fugate had already begun emergency talks with TBS to begin delivering a much-needed Nora Ephron movie marathon to those in the hardest-hit areas.

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