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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Report: Average American Consumes 156 Pounds Of Sugar Per Year But Would Like To Consume Much More

WASHINGTON—A U.S. Department of Agriculture report published Monday revealed the average American consumes 156 pounds of sugar a year but would, ideally, prefer to ingest a far greater amount. “To be honest, 156 sounds pretty low,” said Milwaukee-area consumer Curt Jenkins, 35, whose feelings are shared by an overwhelming 87 percent of U.S. citizens who participated in the five-year, $200 million study. “That’s not even a pound a day. I think if we worked at it, we could double that number. I know I personally could eat a whole lot more, and I’m sure others could, too. I mean, sugar’s the best! Have you tasted it? It’s really good.” The report follows last month’s finding that Americans take an average of 5,117 steps per day, a distance 96 percent of survey respondents agreed was “way farther than anyone should be walking.”

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