adBlockCheck

Recent News

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Report: Average American Consuming 4 Ounces Of Cheese Right Now

COLLEGE PARK, MD—According to a report released Monday by researchers at the University of Maryland School of Public Health, the average American is currently eating 4 oz. of cheese or actively preparing that quantity of cheese for insertion into their mouths. “Whether they’re chewing it or slicing it to be consumed in a matter of seconds, the typical American man or woman is, at this moment, ingesting a quarter pound of cheese,” said lead researcher Kenneth Hess, adding that the quantity of cheese being consumed nearly doubles when the cheese is in melted form. “Of course, some Americans are currently consuming zero ounces of cheese, but they’re offset by those working their way through a two-pound block of cheddar as we speak.” Hess added that the report corroborates ongoing research into Americans’ current consumption of gravy, fried batter, and Oreo crumbles.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close
settings