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Good Eats

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Modern-Day Caligula Orders Everything Bagel

MCKEESPORT, PA—Descending into a lurid bacchanal of decadence and excess, sources confirmed that modern-day Caligula Mike Suzik indulged the darkest and most debauched of his hedonistic appetites Thursday morning by ordering an everything bagel...
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Report: Average American Consuming 4 Ounces Of Cheese Right Now

COLLEGE PARK, MD—According to a report released Monday by researchers at the University of Maryland School of Public Health, the average American is currently eating 4 oz. of cheese or actively preparing that quantity of cheese for insertion into their mouths. “Whether they’re chewing it or slicing it to be consumed in a matter of seconds, the typical American man or woman is, at this moment, ingesting a quarter pound of cheese,” said lead researcher Kenneth Hess, adding that the quantity of cheese being consumed nearly doubles when the cheese is in melted form. “Of course, some Americans are currently consuming zero ounces of cheese, but they’re offset by those working their way through a two-pound block of cheddar as we speak.” Hess added that the report corroborates ongoing research into Americans’ current consumption of gravy, fried batter, and Oreo crumbles.

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