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Report: Average American Has Just 20% Of What It Takes

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

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FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

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Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

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Report: Average American Has Just 20% Of What It Takes

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the Pew Research Center, the typical American possesses only 20 percent of what it takes. “Our research indicates that most of us have less than a quarter of what’s required to make it happen,” lead author Phillip McCray told reporters, adding that, on average, each American also had less than 10 percent of the goods. “The findings are surprising and alarming, as recent studies had suggested that U.S. citizens could step up and get it done upwards of 50 percent of the time.” McCray went on to say that if the trend continued for another decade or so, there may be no one left in the U.S. who could bring it at all.

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