Report: Average American Has Just 20% Of What It Takes

In This Section

Vol 50 Issue 19

Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Dad Way Scarier When Controlling Temper

SANTA ROSA, CA—Noting the 51-year-old’s increasingly flushed complexion, wide and intense eyes, and slow, heavy breathing during an argument Friday morning, local siblings Jeff and Katie Russell told reporters that their father, Dave Russell, ...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Personal Finance

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Report: Average American Has Just 20% Of What It Takes

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the Pew Research Center, the typical American possesses only 20 percent of what it takes. “Our research indicates that most of us have less than a quarter of what’s required to make it happen,” lead author Phillip McCray told reporters, adding that, on average, each American also had less than 10 percent of the goods. “The findings are surprising and alarming, as recent studies had suggested that U.S. citizens could step up and get it done upwards of 50 percent of the time.” McCray went on to say that if the trend continued for another decade or so, there may be no one left in the U.S. who could bring it at all.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More