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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Report: Average American Loses $5,000 Each Year From Splitting Check

WASHINGTON—According to a recent Pew Research Center analysis of household finances, the average American loses roughly $5,000 in wealth per year from splitting checks. “When taking into account the most common check-splitting scenarios, from dividing up restaurant bills after a dinner, to sharing bar tabs following a night of drinking, we found that most Americans experience a net loss of between $3,500 and $7,000 in a typical year,” lead researcher Steven Brannard said of his team’s findings, which noted that the average American loses $2,000 alone when attempting to pool the correct amount of money from friends to pay and tip pizza delivery drivers. “Every time a person asks, ‘Can someone spot me? I’ll get you back later,’ or puts in a twenty and declares, ‘I think that’s good,’ it costs the rest of the table hundreds of dollars in out-of-pocket expenses. Compounded over an entire year, these losses have a significant negative impact on Americans’ net worth and standard of living.” In contrast to the vast majority of citizens, the study noted that about 5 percent of the population made $95,000 a year from splitting checks.

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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

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