adBlockCheck

Recent News

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
End Of Section
  • More News

Report: Average American Worker Replaced Within 10 Minutes Of Taking Vacation

WASHINGTON—Confirming widely held suspicions about the risks of taking time off from a job, a report released Friday by the Department of Labor found that the average American worker is replaced within 10 minutes of beginning a vacation. “Our research indicates that most vacationing employees aren’t even halfway to the airport before their managers have hired someone to permanently take their position,” said report co-author Gary MacKaye, adding that human resources departments also post job listings, interview several qualified applicants, and present a generous employment offer to a replacement within the first few minutes of an employee’s sick day. “All this means is that workers who take advantage of the vacation days offered by their company should just keep in mind that it will cost them their livelihood almost immediately.” The report also found that by the time most vacationing employees have checked into their hotel room, their replacement will be fully settled in and ready to get to work.

More from this section

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close