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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Report: Average American Worker Replaced Within 10 Minutes Of Taking Vacation

WASHINGTON—Confirming widely held suspicions about the risks of taking time off from a job, a report released Friday by the Department of Labor found that the average American worker is replaced within 10 minutes of beginning a vacation. “Our research indicates that most vacationing employees aren’t even halfway to the airport before their managers have hired someone to permanently take their position,” said report co-author Gary MacKaye, adding that human resources departments also post job listings, interview several qualified applicants, and present a generous employment offer to a replacement within the first few minutes of an employee’s sick day. “All this means is that workers who take advantage of the vacation days offered by their company should just keep in mind that it will cost them their livelihood almost immediately.” The report also found that by the time most vacationing employees have checked into their hotel room, their replacement will be fully settled in and ready to get to work.

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