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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Report: Average American Worker Replaced Within 10 Minutes Of Taking Vacation

WASHINGTON—Confirming widely held suspicions about the risks of taking time off from a job, a report released Friday by the Department of Labor found that the average American worker is replaced within 10 minutes of beginning a vacation. “Our research indicates that most vacationing employees aren’t even halfway to the airport before their managers have hired someone to permanently take their position,” said report co-author Gary MacKaye, adding that human resources departments also post job listings, interview several qualified applicants, and present a generous employment offer to a replacement within the first few minutes of an employee’s sick day. “All this means is that workers who take advantage of the vacation days offered by their company should just keep in mind that it will cost them their livelihood almost immediately.” The report also found that by the time most vacationing employees have checked into their hotel room, their replacement will be fully settled in and ready to get to work.

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