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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Report: Babe Ruth Was Actually Pointing Out Where Halley's Comet Would Appear 54 Years Later

COOPERSTOWN, NY—A joint study released Friday by Baseball Hall of Fame researchers and NASA scientists concluded that Babe Ruth was not "calling his shot" during Game 3 of the 1932 World Series against the Chicago Cubs, but was in fact pointing out the position in the sky where Halley's comet would appear 54 years later. "When you look carefully at all the video evidence, it makes perfect sense," said Hall of Fame representative Jarrod Malcolm, who also found audio evidence of Cubs bench players taunting Ruth about his lack of astronomy knowledge, and not his size, as was previously believed. "After the first strike of the at bat Ruth raised his right finger in the direction where Halley's comet appeared in 1910, and following the second strike, Ruth yelled to the Cubs dugout, '0.586 AU,' which is the exact measurement of Halley's Comet's perihelion. Ruth then considered the perturbations the comet typically sustains from other planets and pointed to center field, identifying the exact position of the comet's 1986 appearance." Malcolm added that on the next pitch Ruth happened to hit a home run.

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