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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Report: Baseball Favorite Sport Of Many Detroit Tigers Players

DETROIT—Though their differing ages, nationalities, and backgrounds would suggest a greater divergence of opinions on the world of athletics, most Detroit Tigers players say baseball is their favorite sport, clubhouse sources reported Saturday. "We're all into sports around here, but I would say we talk more about baseball than anything else," said Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander, adding that he and his teammates follow baseball "pretty closely." "I liked a lot of different stuff when I was younger, but since leaving college and starting a busy career, I've found I'm paying more attention to baseball than other sports." Though many of the team's players are high-powered millionaires, sources said most decorate their lockers with simple bats, balls, and other types of baseball souvenirs, and wear baseball paraphernalia while they are working.

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