MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Report: Bellagio Voted Best Casino For Standing Around Too Nervous To Approach A Poker Table

LAS VEGAS—Praising it as the perfect destination for the trepidatious gambler, a new poll released Wednesday in Casino Player magazine voted the Bellagio the best casino for standing around too nervous to approach a poker table. “Our readers overwhelmingly agree that the Bellagio Resort is the number-one spot for would-be poker players to anxiously fiddle with their $100 in chips while staring at the tables from a safe distance,” wrote editor J. Phillip Vogel, noting that the room’s ornate columns and large crowds serve as safe barriers behind which guests can stall as they worry about how much more experienced everyone else appears and how likely they are to reveal themselves as complete novices to their great embarrassment. “People come from all over the world to dawdle at the multiple bars, which allow them to repeatedly grab another drink to calm their nerves after chickening out of their latest promise to themselves that they would claim the next seat that opened up. Furthermore, the room is always crowded with longtime veterans intensely focused on their games, decreasing the likelihood of any employee making eye contact with you and subsequently offering to escort you to a table.” The same issue of Casino Player also named the mojito at the Bellagio the best drink for spilling at the table to distract dealers as you count cards.

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