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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Report: Browns Hoped Quinn Would Hold Out For Months

CLEVELAND—Rookie quarterback Brady Quinn agreed to a five-year deal worth $20.2 million, including $7.75 million in guaranteed money, with the reluctant Cleveland Browns Tuesday, despite the team's hopes that Quinn would hold out through the first part of the season. "Last week, negotiations seemed stalled at about a half-million apart, and we were very comfortable with that amount," Browns GM Phil Savage said. "It's unfortunate that it got done so soon, but at least Brady wasn't here for the crucial first few days of camp." Head coach Romeo Crennel said that, while the almost certainly overrated Quinn's signing was unfortunate, there is still ample time for Quinn to suffer a season-ending injury during an exhibition game.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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