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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Report: Calvin Johnson Probably Works Out Fairly Often

DETROIT—Numerous sources confirmed Friday that Detroit Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson probably works out at the gym fairly regularly, speculating, after they watched the two-time All-Pro run across the football field, that the 26-year-old must do one of those spinning classes or something. “He looks pretty fast and jumps around a lot during games, so he probably goes to the gym at least twice a week,” said Lions fan Drew Jenkins, adding that the 6-foot-5, 235-pound player likely knows how to lift weights. “His legs seem strong. He can probably ride on the exercise bikes for a really long time without getting tired. I bet he owns a bunch of different exercise videos, too. That’s the type of guy who gets a gym membership after New Year’s and actually sticks with it all year.” Eyewitnesses, who spotted Johnson leaving Ford Field in a customized Porsche Panamera after a game last season, guessed he might also have a pretty high-paying job.

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