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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Report: Celtics, Lakers Finals To Allow Sportscasters To Endlessly List The Last Names Of Former Celtics, Lakers

NEW YORK—According to the nation's sportscasters, a Los Angeles Lakers–Boston Celtics matchup in the NBA Finals will give analysts the chance to repeatedly intone the names of former Celtic and Laker greats in an unbearably reverent and dramatic tone of voice. "At the top of our pregame broadcast, or anytime they cut back to the studio, I can say, 'Russell. Chamberlain. Cousy. West. Havlicek. McHale. Worthy. Baylor,' in a tone suggesting viewers should feel emotionally transported by the sheer historic force of the Lakers-Celtics rivalry," ESPN's Michael Wilbon said on Saturday, explaining that sportscasters will be able to say "Magic…Bird," or "Bird…Magic," thousands upon thousands of infuriating times throughout the series. "And when we say or, rather, invoke these names, it's important to assume a solemn, transfixed expression that makes viewers want to shout, 'Jesus Christ, get over yourselves.'" Wilbon added that, as a result of the Phoenix Suns' loss, he is slightly disappointed to not be able to talk for hours about Steve Nash's injured face.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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