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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Report: Celtics, Lakers Finals To Allow Sportscasters To Endlessly List The Last Names Of Former Celtics, Lakers

NEW YORK—According to the nation's sportscasters, a Los Angeles Lakers–Boston Celtics matchup in the NBA Finals will give analysts the chance to repeatedly intone the names of former Celtic and Laker greats in an unbearably reverent and dramatic tone of voice. "At the top of our pregame broadcast, or anytime they cut back to the studio, I can say, 'Russell. Chamberlain. Cousy. West. Havlicek. McHale. Worthy. Baylor,' in a tone suggesting viewers should feel emotionally transported by the sheer historic force of the Lakers-Celtics rivalry," ESPN's Michael Wilbon said on Saturday, explaining that sportscasters will be able to say "Magic…Bird," or "Bird…Magic," thousands upon thousands of infuriating times throughout the series. "And when we say or, rather, invoke these names, it's important to assume a solemn, transfixed expression that makes viewers want to shout, 'Jesus Christ, get over yourselves.'" Wilbon added that, as a result of the Phoenix Suns' loss, he is slightly disappointed to not be able to talk for hours about Steve Nash's injured face.

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