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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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Report: China To Overtake U.S. As World's Biggest Asshole By 2020

Chinese president and rising international dipshit Hu Jintao.
Chinese president and rising international dipshit Hu Jintao.

WASHINGTON—According to a new report released Monday by a panel of top economists and social scientists, the People's Republic of China will overtake the United States as the world's dominant asshole by the year 2020.

The findings, published in the most recent issue of Foreign Affairs, support recent speculation that America's unquestioned reign as the leading super-prick may soon be drawing to a close, leaving China as the foremost shithead among all developed nations.

"We are seeing a changing of the asshole guard," said Andrew Freireich, noted economist and lead author of the article. "Although the U.S. will remain among the world's two or three biggest cocks through much of this century, we can now confidently project that China, with its soaring economic growth, ever-expanding cultural influence, and total disregard for basic human rights, will overtake America as King Prick Numero Uno within the next 10 years."

Added Freireich, "It's the dawning of a new huge bastard era."

According to the report, China has slowly emerged as a massive fucker over the past half century, a period of egotistical growth unseen since America's booming douche years following World War II.

According to estimates, China already has a slight lead on the U.S. in not giving a fuck about climate change.

Over that same time, China has seen a dramatic rise in both its GDP and Shithead Index, definite signs that the Asian nation is developing into a cocksucker of global proportions.

"When you consider China's wanton pollution, rising militarism, and rampant overdevelopment, it's clear they'll soon be thoroughly out-dicking the U.S. in every measurable area," international affairs specialist Neil Farren said. "Not many Americans want to admit it, but as the yuan continues to get stronger, and millions upon millions are exploited as a result, more and more people worldwide will be looking to China, not America, and saying, 'Man, can you believe what an unbelievable sack of shit that country is?'"

China's ascension to supreme asshole status is occurring at a much faster pace than experts originally predicted. In fact, many now believe that by as early as 2015 Chinese citizens will arrogantly strut across the globe disrespecting other cultures and shouting loudly while dressed in XXL "Speak Chinese or Go Home" T-shirts.

Prominent scholars claim that America's gradual fall from the upper echelon of international supershits is merely part of an inevitable pattern seen time and again throughout world history.

"All of the great asshole nations eventually watch their day in the sun slip away," historian Richard Merriam told reporters. "Don't forget that Great Britain was the world's dominant asshole for well over three centuries, and look at it now: a pussy-whipped shell of the insufferable, bullying jackass it used to be."

Others have posited that China's ascension may be part of a larger reorganization of the global asshole hegemony that could see the United States losing even more ground in the century to come.

"A country like Iran is obviously a pretty big dick, but ultimately it lacks the resources to be a truly world-class asshole," Farran said. "Same goes for Pakistan. But the list of abominable shit-heel countries competing for global prick dominance is a long one, and the U.S. is just going to have to get used to seeing countries like Russia and India mentioned in the same breath as itself."

"Many Americans are going to be upset over the prospect of falling from that top spot, but that's the reality we face," Farrar continued. "Hopefully, the United States will find a way to grow and adjust to its evolving role on the world stage without acting like a complete and utter fuckhead about it."

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