Report: Come On, Carl, Pull It Together

Top Headlines


Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Report: Come On, Carl, Pull It Together

Yes, Carl Mendel Of Dayton, Ohio, We Are Talking To You

Sources are confirming that you’re better than this, Carl. Much, much better than this.
Sources are confirming that you’re better than this, Carl. Much, much better than this.

DAYTON, OH—Citing his general lack of direction and the fact that he once embraced life and actually had honest-to-God dreams, for Christ’s sake, a new report revealed Tuesday that, come on, Carl, you’ve got to pull it together and get your life back on track.

That’s right; reports indicate that you, Carl Mendel, 33, of Dayton, Ohio need to wake up, get moving, and pull yourself out of this weird funk you’ve been stuck in for, what is it, sources confirm, three years now? Those familiar with the situation said that we all care about you, Carl, and experts claim it’s time you take charge and break out of this cycle of apathy that’s preventing you from living up to your potential.

“You know, life’s short, Carl,” said Brookings Institution president Strobe Talbott, who, like everyone else, confirmed that he just wants you to enjoy a healthy, happy, well-rounded life and basically get back to the old Carl who records show is in there somewhere. “But the way you’ve been behaving—losing sight of your goals, distancing yourself from your friends, being content with collecting a paycheck at a mindless job—it’s like you don’t even give a shit anymore.”

“That’s not the Carl I remember,” Talbott continued, later saying that you have a gym membership so you might as well use it once in a while. “Get your act together, man.”

According to the reports, Carl, you’ve been neglecting every single aspect of your life, with several sources in particular citing the disregard of your physical health, your hopes of forging some kind of romantic relationship, and, at times, Carl, and this is reportedly embarrassing to say, your personal hygiene. The findings demonstrate that your day-to-day routine presently consists of little more than coming home after work, ordering take-out food, flipping back and forth between HBO and ESPN or cycling through Netflix options for seven straight hours, and then going to bed.

Sources have repeatedly asked you if this is any way to live. Well, is it, Carl?

“You might be upset when you read this, Carl, but all of us agree that this is something you need to hear right now,” said National Research Council director Sandra Hernandez, echoing multiple sources who then asked you straight up, “Carl Mendel, is this what you want? Because we don’t think it is.” “Right now you’re 33. With a snap of the fingers you’re 43, and then 53. And then suddenly you’re a man in your late 60s wondering what the hell happened.”

“This is tough to say, but Amy ain’t coming back,” Hernandez added. “You have to stop feeling sorry for yourself, and you need to accept that she’s gone and just move the fuck on. She wasn’t good for you, anyway.”

Past information emphatically suggests that the old Carl—the Carl who eyewitnesses recount always talked about starting his own business, the Carl who loved going to the park to shoot hoops with Eric and Ben, and who had some goddamned pride, for crying out loud—has been replaced by an unidentifiable zombie who’s reportedly drifting aimlessly through life like nothing in the world matters.

“I miss Old Carl,” fucking everyone who knows you has told reporters. “He had a spark in him.”

Seriously, Carl, sources confirmed, if you’re not going to get in gear, we might as well call a spade a spade and tell you what experts see when they look at you: a 33-year-old out-of-shape bachelor with no social life, no ambition, and a month’s worth of dirty laundry piling up in your closet. If this is really what you want for yourself, reports implore you not to let anyone stop you.

And, speaking of laundry, sources can’t help but ask: Would it kill you to put on a halfway clean shirt for once, Carl? Even if onlookers predict you’re planning on flushing your life down the fucking toilet, do you think you could manage that one small dignity while you reportedly sit on your hands and watch your life crumble around you?

You’re pathetic, Carl, those with firsthand knowledge of the situation said.

Okay, okay, observers agree that was a little harsh. Sources have confirmed over and over again that it’s just that we all really care about you, buddy, and it’s difficult to watch you fall apart like this when you’ve reportedly got so much potential. The fact is, reliable independent studies have shown you’re an intelligent, capable, wonderful man who graduated with honors from William & Mary, for crying out loud. And the lead authors of those same studies just want to see you do wonderful things: rediscover that fire, find a woman whom you can share your experiences with, find you, Carl.

Officials close to the matter say you can do all these things, and they’re right, Carl, but you’ve got to take that first step. You’ve got to get back to being the best Carl you can be, and when you do, reports confirm that we’ll be right there behind you, cheering you on.

We love you, Carl, sources added. You big dumb son of a bitch.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close