Report: Come On, Carl, Pull It Together

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WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

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MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

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SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

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FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

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MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

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YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

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UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

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Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...
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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

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Satisfaction

Report: Come On, Carl, Pull It Together

Yes, Carl Mendel Of Dayton, Ohio, We Are Talking To You

Sources are confirming that you’re better than this, Carl. Much, much better than this.
Sources are confirming that you’re better than this, Carl. Much, much better than this.

DAYTON, OH—Citing his general lack of direction and the fact that he once embraced life and actually had honest-to-God dreams, for Christ’s sake, a new report revealed Tuesday that, come on, Carl, you’ve got to pull it together and get your life back on track.

That’s right; reports indicate that you, Carl Mendel, 33, of Dayton, Ohio need to wake up, get moving, and pull yourself out of this weird funk you’ve been stuck in for, what is it, sources confirm, three years now? Those familiar with the situation said that we all care about you, Carl, and experts claim it’s time you take charge and break out of this cycle of apathy that’s preventing you from living up to your potential.

“You know, life’s short, Carl,” said Brookings Institution president Strobe Talbott, who, like everyone else, confirmed that he just wants you to enjoy a healthy, happy, well-rounded life and basically get back to the old Carl who records show is in there somewhere. “But the way you’ve been behaving—losing sight of your goals, distancing yourself from your friends, being content with collecting a paycheck at a mindless job—it’s like you don’t even give a shit anymore.”

“That’s not the Carl I remember,” Talbott continued, later saying that you have a gym membership so you might as well use it once in a while. “Get your act together, man.”

According to the reports, Carl, you’ve been neglecting every single aspect of your life, with several sources in particular citing the disregard of your physical health, your hopes of forging some kind of romantic relationship, and, at times, Carl, and this is reportedly embarrassing to say, your personal hygiene. The findings demonstrate that your day-to-day routine presently consists of little more than coming home after work, ordering take-out food, flipping back and forth between HBO and ESPN or cycling through Netflix options for seven straight hours, and then going to bed.

Sources have repeatedly asked you if this is any way to live. Well, is it, Carl?

“You might be upset when you read this, Carl, but all of us agree that this is something you need to hear right now,” said National Research Council director Sandra Hernandez, echoing multiple sources who then asked you straight up, “Carl Mendel, is this what you want? Because we don’t think it is.” “Right now you’re 33. With a snap of the fingers you’re 43, and then 53. And then suddenly you’re a man in your late 60s wondering what the hell happened.”

“This is tough to say, but Amy ain’t coming back,” Hernandez added. “You have to stop feeling sorry for yourself, and you need to accept that she’s gone and just move the fuck on. She wasn’t good for you, anyway.”

Past information emphatically suggests that the old Carl—the Carl who eyewitnesses recount always talked about starting his own business, the Carl who loved going to the park to shoot hoops with Eric and Ben, and who had some goddamned pride, for crying out loud—has been replaced by an unidentifiable zombie who’s reportedly drifting aimlessly through life like nothing in the world matters.

“I miss Old Carl,” fucking everyone who knows you has told reporters. “He had a spark in him.”

Seriously, Carl, sources confirmed, if you’re not going to get in gear, we might as well call a spade a spade and tell you what experts see when they look at you: a 33-year-old out-of-shape bachelor with no social life, no ambition, and a month’s worth of dirty laundry piling up in your closet. If this is really what you want for yourself, reports implore you not to let anyone stop you.

And, speaking of laundry, sources can’t help but ask: Would it kill you to put on a halfway clean shirt for once, Carl? Even if onlookers predict you’re planning on flushing your life down the fucking toilet, do you think you could manage that one small dignity while you reportedly sit on your hands and watch your life crumble around you?

You’re pathetic, Carl, those with firsthand knowledge of the situation said.

Okay, okay, observers agree that was a little harsh. Sources have confirmed over and over again that it’s just that we all really care about you, buddy, and it’s difficult to watch you fall apart like this when you’ve reportedly got so much potential. The fact is, reliable independent studies have shown you’re an intelligent, capable, wonderful man who graduated with honors from William & Mary, for crying out loud. And the lead authors of those same studies just want to see you do wonderful things: rediscover that fire, find a woman whom you can share your experiences with, find you, Carl.

Officials close to the matter say you can do all these things, and they’re right, Carl, but you’ve got to take that first step. You’ve got to get back to being the best Carl you can be, and when you do, reports confirm that we’ll be right there behind you, cheering you on.

We love you, Carl, sources added. You big dumb son of a bitch.