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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Report: Countless Invasive Species Detained In EPA Black Sites

WASHINGTON—According to leaked documents obtained this week by members of the press, the Environmental Protection Agency has for the past 15 years operated a network of secret black sites where an unknown number of invasive species are being held indefinitely. “We’ve learned that thousands of zebra mussels, acres of cheatgrass, and entire colonies of European pepper moths have been rounded up and transported to undisclosed sites throughout the world, where they are detained without legal recourse,” said activist Trevor Collins, who cited documentation confirming that the organisms are forced to endure brutal treatment, extended periods without food or water, and cramped, windowless cells where up to four different species are kept locked together for days at a time. “Sure, you could make the argument that sometimes the government has to get its hands dirty to maintain peace and stability in the ecosystem, but you can’t just keep foreign flora and fauna incarcerated in limbo forever simply because you think they might pose a danger to the American homeland.” Collins suggested that even graver atrocities may have been committed at the EPA black sites, noting that as many as 1.6 million Asian longhorned beetles have died there under questionable circumstances.

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