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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Report: Countless Invasive Species Detained In EPA Black Sites

WASHINGTON—According to leaked documents obtained this week by members of the press, the Environmental Protection Agency has for the past 15 years operated a network of secret black sites where an unknown number of invasive species are being held indefinitely. “We’ve learned that thousands of zebra mussels, acres of cheatgrass, and entire colonies of European pepper moths have been rounded up and transported to undisclosed sites throughout the world, where they are detained without legal recourse,” said activist Trevor Collins, who cited documentation confirming that the organisms are forced to endure brutal treatment, extended periods without food or water, and cramped, windowless cells where up to four different species are kept locked together for days at a time. “Sure, you could make the argument that sometimes the government has to get its hands dirty to maintain peace and stability in the ecosystem, but you can’t just keep foreign flora and fauna incarcerated in limbo forever simply because you think they might pose a danger to the American homeland.” Collins suggested that even graver atrocities may have been committed at the EPA black sites, noting that as many as 1.6 million Asian longhorned beetles have died there under questionable circumstances.

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